Still Here...

Hey, Everyone... Yes, I am still here. I just haven't really felt like writing a whole lot lately. (Like that isn't obvious!) Once the girls are back in school, I will try to write more, and catch up.

A quick run down, we got the  girls lap tops for Christmas. They loved that. John and the girls got me a digital SLR camera. I can take pics with it, but I would love to learn all the tricks to it. It came with free lessons, so I may be taking those.

We are heading out tomorrow to the Great Wolf Lodge in the Wisconsin Dells. Ann, Jim and crew as well as Joey, Jennifer and Jack will be there. Jr. and Justin will be getting there on New Year's Eve. It should be fun. I may check into a massage while I am there. While I don't like the fact that we are heading towards cooler temps and snow, (did I mention that I HATE WINTER!) at least in the resort it will be warm and we can play in the water!

Now that the Twilight movie has been out for awhile, I will have to see about changing my background too. I realize this one can be hard to read.

Have a Safe and Happy New Year!!!

The Other Side of Me...

Ok, I still haven't found a good link for the press conference. Who knows if I ever will. Hopefully those that wanted to see it were able to.

As for the title of this post, as you may have guessed, that is my way of making light of this situation. I do feel like a stranger living in my own body. I want to trade this body in at times-it could look exactly the same, just FEEL better. Again, I debated posting this for a couple of reasons. I don't like to complain, and it doesn't do any good. I also know that there are those that won't want to read this. But, that being said, this is a journal of sorts (albeit a public one), so it helps me to right it down. And if anyone were to stumble on this site that were going through this, maybe it would help them to know they aren't alone. Probably not, but you never know.

Since having my ovaries taken out, things have gotten a little off kilter to say the least. I was already dealing with the fatigue that kicks in way too quick for someone my age (an after effect of the chemo and surgeries), now I had new issues to deal with. Not at first. At first all seemed well, great even. Then the migraines started to increase (which I thought would get better) and the hot flashes grew steadily worse. This is again one of those cases where if men had to deal with it, there would be a "fix" for it already. My ob also warned me about possible mood swings. Well, since I didn't really experience that around my period, I wasn't expecting it to happen now. Boy, was I ever wrong. I now get into these terrible moods for no reason. I literally want to tell everyone to fuck off and go crawl in a corner. (I did get the name of a few therapists in case I need outside help dealing with that.) Now, add to that being uncomfortable in my skin because either my head is pounding, or my internal furnace just kicked the temperature up to about 1000 degrees, (or if I'm real lucky, both at the same time!) and you can see why I want out of this body! The hot flashes were making it impossible to sleep too. Which of course didn't help with the attitude problem. An ugly vicious circle!

Last week I had a couple of check ups. Check up number one with the onc (all is fine), and check up number two with my plastic surgeon. I don't go see her again for a year. Can you believe I actually felt bad about that?? How f'd up is that? I also had to have my flu shot, and saw my general about my migraines. He has put me on Topomax, I have still had a couple of headaches this week where I had to take the Excedrine Migraine. Compared to 3-5 a week though, not so bad. He did say it would take a few weeks to fully kick in. I go back in 3 weeks to access that situation. I had called my ob to get the Lexapro she had mentioned to help with the hot flashes. There was a little bit of an issue with insurance with this, apparently you have to try another drug first, if that doesn't work, then get the Lexapro. So she subbed Celexa (or the generic of actually). This can take up to a month to feel the full effects of. I do believe it is helping already though. I am still getting the hot flashes, but they don't seem to be as intense (maybe only 500 degrees!). And I am finally able to get a decent nights sleep. The other plus is that this is actually an anti-depressant drug (not sure why those work on hot flashes) so it will help with the mood swings too.

So, me, the anti-pill person, is now taking syntrhoid, oscal-d, topomax and celexa. I guess to feel like me again, it is worth it. There are some side effects. My mouth tastes funny, which I was told goes away. And I was a little queasy, but that is already better today.

So here is hoping that I am getting back to the right side of me!!

OMG!!!!

Not sure why exactly I am so excited about this, but Obama gave his first press conference today as President Elect--and he did it from the hotel I am staying at!! I wish I could have gotten in there! Unfortunately we didn't get to see him. I am at the Chicago Hilton for the Network of Strength Conference. There was talk last night about all  of the news vans out front. Well ,on the news this morning we found out why! One of the girls was trying to get a press pass to write about it on her blog. She was doing a bit of snooping to find out where this was, she seems to be quite the detective. After breakfast, I went with her to the third floor (where most of this was being staged). The secret service we talked to knew nothing except what pertained to his little corner. Then she talked to a White House Staff (or Obama staff-not sure the official title yet) person. She told him that there was a breast cancer conference going on in the hotel and that it would be nice if the President Elect could stop by. He then explained to us that they can not vary from the schedule because of Secret Service. Oh well. It was worth a shot. Last I heard from her, she had been waiting two hours to see if she would get that press credential. I can't wait to talk to her and see what happened.
Well, I am heading back down stairs. If I find a link to the full press conference I will post a link.
What a weekend!! Tomorrow I get to see Robin Roberts!

CNN: Barack Obama wins presidential election






YEAH!!!!!

Priceless Part 2

Yet another hiliarious SNL skit.

Priceless!!

Ok, for some reason I can't get this to embed here, but PLEASE check it out. It is something Ron Howard put together.

"Ron Howard's Call To Action"

Too Funny...

My Mom sent me this (thanks Mom!) it is hilarious!!

Wanda Sykes Campaigns For Cabinet Position On Last Night's Leno

I also added a new link on the right. This is a presentation that my friend Jen put together. She works at a college, and was asked to do a breast cancer presentation. She was to do this in person Monday and Tuesday next week, however, she recently found out that her cancer is back and has spread to her bones. Monday she will be having her ooph (ovaries removed), so will be unable to give the talk in person. That is a shame as she has done such a nice job. The presentation is about 40 minutes long, but if you have the time PLEASE watch it. As of this post, it is split into three sections, so you will have to click on each part individually. At some point it may become all one session.

You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me!

This women is SICK, SICK, SICK. I do not feel the sympathy for her that the author does at the end of this article. This women FAKED having cancer 3 times!! We just had someone on the YSC boards that was faking it. Mental Illness or not, this pisses me off! I was going to copy and paste the article here, but it is too long, so click the link below to read.

She Said She Had Breast Cancer--But She Lied

Oldest Voter

This lady is 106 years old. Yes, you read that right. She hasn't voted since 1952! She feels this is an important election though. I will copy the article below. If you would like to go to the site click HERE (I know with this new background, the links don't show up the greatest, but if you mouse over them, you can tell they are links).



106-year-old voter chooses Obama
By David Willey BBC News, Rome

Sister Cecilia has lived in the convent in Rome for 50 years
A 106-year-old American nun living in a convent in Rome could well be one of the oldest voters to cast a ballot in the 2008 US Presidential election.
Sister Cecilia Gaudette, who last voted for President Eisenhower in 1952, has registered to vote and says she will vote for Democrat Barack Obama.
Although hard of hearing, she keeps herself informed by reading newspapers and watching TV at the convent.
"I'm encouraged by Senator Obama," she says.
"I've never met him, but he seems to be a good man with a good private life. That's the first thing. Then he must be able to govern," she adds.
Sitting in her modest office in the convent where she has lived for the past 50 years, the diminutive nun appears uninterested in the row inside the American Catholic church over Senator Obama's support for pro-choice policies on abortion.
Asked about her hopes for the US under an Obama presidency, she says: "Peace abroad. I don't worry about the Iraq war because I can't do anything about it. Lord knows how it will end."
"It is very complicated," she said. "Those Eastern people are not like we are."
But despite taking part in the 4 November election, Sister Cecilia does not intend to return to the US.
"I have no plans for the future. I am too old to go back to the US. Life has changed too much."
But she still watches "very important events" on TV. The election comes under this category.
*********************************************************************************

I received an email from Pam Monson (she wrote the article about me for the Free Press papers last year). She was writing to tell me that that article won the Illinois Press Association's editorial contest. Awesome!

Robin Roberts

Here is the link to the Robin Roberts piece on Nightline.

"Cancer Isn't One Size Fits All"

Hodge Podge..

...Of emotions. That is where I am right this minute.

I am going for my ooph tomorrow (ovaries out-bye,bye!). This should be a relatively easy procedure. Hopefully they get the anesthesia right at Riverside too. But as I sit here, I am wondering if I wasn't a little crazy to do these so close together. I am not recovered from the last procedure yet. I have probably been doing more than I should, but I am so damn tired of doing nothing. My left side still bothers me, and sleeping on my sides is not as comfortable yet. But, on the other hand, I will be done. And I won't have to recover from one procedure to turn around and have another recovery, just one huge recovery, then DONE.

I am also upset. My friend Jen (one of the IL YSC gals) has just found out that her cancer is back. I mean, does it ever stop? She is 31, with a young son. This is just over a year after the original diagnosis. She had a lumpectomy, chemo, and radiation. She was recently told that the cancer is back in the same breast. I at first thought that maybe this was a case similar to mine--with having the two primaries- and that the drs missed it on her. Although with it being in the same breast, that is a more unlikely that they would have missed it. She had a PET scan this morning and was told this afternoon that it is in her bones also. Needless to say she is freaked. Of course her drs added to this by telling her that they have never seen it come back so fast. WTF! They should have never told her that.

The last thing that got me going was the Robin Roberts piece on Nightline tonight. She was talking about her breast cancer "journey". I have always liked her, and like her even more after this interview. Boy did it bring back memories though! Wow, wasn't really expecting that. It reminded me of things I had forgotten, or hadn't thought about for awhile. I hope that either ABC news, or youtube will have the video posted tomorrow. If that happens, I will post a link here, as she makes some very good points. Like "we are all just a little stronger than we think". This is so true. People told me that I was strong. Honestly, strong has nothing to do with it. I simply did what I had to do to stay alive, to be here for my family. She talks about getting back to "normal" after chemo and how people just don't understand. And also about the fact that alot of cancer patients go through a depression AFTER treatment is done. This is when you have time to think about it, and deal with all those emotions you have put off, or hidden. You have also, at that point, done everything you can to combat the disease and are left feeling a little helpless, or lost. She also says that she is "healthier". She will not use the words remission or cured. She knows that it can come back. She isn't dwelling on it, but she knows it. This is important for people to know. There is no cure. There is no way to predict in who it will come back. It is a complete crap shoot. It is a fact that the cancer is more aggressive in younger women than our older counterparts. It stands to reason then (in my mind at least) that the younger you are at original diagnosis, the more likely you are to recur. I could be completely off about that. Jen had no node involvement, clear margins, and was a stage2a. Now she is fighting again. There are others that have positive nodes, and/or higher grade, and don't recur--crap shoot.

Well, now that I have had my midnight snack to help with the anesthesia effects tomorrow, I am off to bed.

Goodnight....

Scary...

Please, Please read this if you are even ENTERTAINING the idea of voting for McCain. I have read about his health care plan several times, and to be honest, it scares the crap out of me!! Basically, you will be taxed for your employer based health care. This is an attempt to get you to get your own insurance in the "free market". The idea being that the competition among companies would keep prices down. But NOT for those of us with a previous condition, i.e. cancer. This would make it harder, if not next to impossible to get insurance on our own, and if we did, it would be expensive. The plan also includes cutting medicare and medicaid. Thanks alot Mr. McCain. Hit average America where it counts-the wallet-again!
Here is the link, read for yourselves;
McCain Health Plan Has Underlying Illness

I also have to seriously question the man's judgement and decision making. He chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. I'm sorry but there are times that woman makes George Bush look like a Mensa scholar! She might be ok to be a state governor, but what does she know about Washington politics? And let's face it, McCain is no spring chicken, so you really do need to think about how well his running mate would do if (and more likely when) she had to step into his place. I can only imagine what kind of fiasco that would be! I believe his choice in her has actually hurt his campaign. So if he messes up these kind of decisions, what in the hell will he mess up in office? I for one don't want to find out. I also don't understand his "giving up on Michigan". He's done, he isn't going to campaign there anymore, tv ads are done there too. WTF??? What candidate does that?? He is not so for ahead in the polls (in fact he is behind, and getting further behind every day)that he can even afford to let go of a state! I need to do some more reading on that one. Oh, and he was one of the Keating Five in the Savings and Loan debacle. I will stop there for now. I hope America is smarter this time around. Of course, I thought that we had learned our lesson four years ago and would never put W back in there....apparently we are hard heads. Or gluttons for punishment or something!

And Another One...

Here is an article on the Pink October subject. Again, very good points. Please read! This is From a paper in Minneapolis-St. Paul.

http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/30002944.html?elr=KArks7PYDiaK7DUHPYDiaK7DUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aULPQL7PQLanchO7DiU

Another Post about Pinktober..

This is a post from a fellow YSCer, Lorri. She has worded this whole "Pink October" thing so much better than I ever could. Please take the time to click the link and read her take on things.

http://lorriscancerupdates.blogspot.com/

And So It Begins....

Breast Cancer Awareness Month. YUK!!! We do need awareness. However, I believe most people are aware. What we need more is a CURE. If it wasn't for the fact that my anniversary and Halloween are in October, I would hate this month. This month is a constant reminder of the crap I have been through. Everywhere I turn is pink. Everywhere. Pink soup cans. Pink vacuums. Pink kitchen utensils. I mean, seriously, who has a pink kitchen? And I like pink, but I get so sick of seeing it. Everywhere I look is a reminder of something I am trying to forget, if only for a little while. It doesn't help that I was diagnosed in October, so when this was the most raw for me, I had it shoved in my face constantly.

As I stated above, there are a lot of products in October that are pink. Alot of products claiming to help in the fight against breast cancer. Before you buy that pink vacuum, or candy, or dish towels, or whatever please find out how much is being donated and where the money is going. Also find out if that company has a cap on the amount donated. It may be better to just make a direct donation to one of the wonderful organizations that are out there. A great site to help with these questions is http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org/ The following is just a bit from their website...


"Breast Cancer Action urges you to
“think before you pink.” Will your
purchase make a difference?
Or is the company exploiting breast
cancer to boost profits?"

That is something that irks a lot of us (survivors), understandably. The following is a list of questions you should get answers to before you buy just because it is pink....


The list of pink ribbon products grows every year. From candy to clothing to automobiles, thousands of companies are pinning pink ribbons on their products in an attempt to boost their image and their profits by connecting themselves to a good cause.

Before you impulsively buy one of these products in the belief that your money is going to do good, Breast Cancer Action urges you to “think before you pink”—and ask these critical questions:

How much money from your purchase actually goes toward breast cancer? Is the amount clearly stated on the package?
Some companies, like Tribeca, offer a pink version of their product but don’t specify how much of your purchase will be donated. Tribeca is selling a pink USB flash drive and the package says that a donation from the sale of the drive will be made to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. What you can’t tell just by looking at the package is how much “part of the proceeds” is.
When the package does state the amount of the donation, is that amount enough? Fox Home Entertainment, for example, is selling "DVDs for the Cure" for $14.95 and donating 50 cents to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. Is this a significant contribution, or a piddly amount? You decide.
If you can't tell how much money is being donated, or if you don't think it's enough, give directly to the organization instead.

What is the maximum amount that will be donated?
Many companies place a cap on the amount of money that will be donated. For example, Give Hope Jeans, sold by White House Black Market for $88, will donate “net proceeds” from the sale to the organization Living Beyond Breast Cancer. But they’ve capped their contributions at $200,000. This means that once they’ve reached the $200,000 limit they will stop contributing, no matter how many pairs of jeans are bought.
In some cases, that cap is a generous amount. In some cases it’s not. But you should know that, whenever there is a cap, your individual purchase may not contribute anything to the cause, depending on when you shop and whether the cap has already been met.

How are the funds being raised?
Does making the purchase ensure a contribution to the cause? Or do you, the shopper, have to jump through hoops to make sure the money gets where it’s supposed to go? Lean Cuisine, for example, has a pink ribbon on its boxes of frozen meals, but if you read closely, you'll find out that the purchase of the meal does not result in any donation to a breast cancer organization. Instead, consumers must visit the Lean Cuisine web site and buy a pink Lean Cuisine lunch tote. Then, $5 of that purchase will be donated to Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

To what breast cancer organization does the money go, and what types of programs does it support?
Does the product’s package tell you where the money goes and what will be done with it? For example, Penn is selling pink tennis balls and the package says that 15 cents of your purchase will go to “a Breast Cancer Research Organization.” It doesn’t tell you which organization or what kind of research will be done. Will the money go to fund the same studies that have been ongoing for decades (which already get enormous financial support)? Or will it go to underfunded, innovative research into the causes of breast cancer?

If the donation is going to breast cancer services, is it reaching the people most in need, in the most effective way? The Breast Cancer Site store, for example, donates money to the National Breast Cancer Foundation, which helps pay for mammograms for women who cannot afford them. But mammograms are already covered for low-income women through the National Breast and Cervical Cancer Screening Program. Although this screening program does have limitations, what is most needed is the funding to get low-income women treatment if breast cancer is found. Learn more about this issue.

What is the company doing to assure that its products are not actually contributing to the breast cancer epidemic?
Many companies that raise funds for breast cancer also make products that are linked to the disease. BCA calls these companies "pinkwashers." BMW, for example, gives $1 to Susan G. Komen for the Cure each time you test-drive one of their cars, even though pollutants found in car exhaust are linked to breast cancer. Many cosmetics companies whose products contain chemicals linked to breast cancer also sell their items for the cause. Pinkwashers would make a much more valuable contribution to women’s lives if they made safer products, instead of wrapping themselves in the pink ribbon.

Contribute to a Cause, Not Cause-Marketers
Some of these answers will be easy to find, some won't be. But you're entitled to know, and the companies marketing these products should provide this information.
You might not always be able to make an informed decision while you’re standing in the store. Make the best choice you can with the information you have. If you have trouble getting answers or if you feel that a promotion is questionable, write to the company responsible, consider buying a different product, and tell your friends about Think Before You Pink.

If you are looking for that particular product anyway, and like it in the pink color, then by all means, buy it. But if you are thinking about getting it just because they claim to help with breast cancer organizations, then do some research first.

And, if you see me in a store, and I am looking crabby, please understand what seeing that pink everywhere does to me. It makes me think about something I don't want to think about 24/7. So maybe a distraction would be good.

**Thanks Mom for the graphic at the top of the post**

Tomorrow's Oprah

Oprah's show tomorrow kicks off October's Breast Cancer Awareness month. (I swear, if it wasn't for Halloween and our anniversary, I would hate Oct.-all that pink!) Christina Applegate will be on there talking about her recent diagnosis and bilateral mastectomies. A few of our Chicago area ladies were able to be in the audience and said it should be a good show. Melissa and Keiko were in the front row, not sure where Cara was, but she got a ride there in a huge pink (ugh!again?) limo. It is worth a look--so set those vcr/dvrs!!

Make sure you check out the last two posts also. Starting with the real Palin interview, followed by the SNL skit. I swear, she almost makes Bush look like a Mensa member--and that folks, is extremely scary!!

Hilarious!!!!

This is SNL's take on the Palin interview in my last post...

Are You Kidding Me???

Danica, Courtney and Me

The surgery went fine the other day. I am sore, and can't seem to sleep much, but other than that--good. I was not sick at all from the anesthesia!! That is a big thing! Thinking they got the cocktail right this time, but someone pointed out that maybe I am getting more used to it. I suppose that is possible too.
I am happy with the way things are looking now. This is what I was hoping for in the first place. She tightened the pocket that the implant is in which made a big difference! I have to be very careful to not lift the arms too high right now to keep from popping that open. She also took the scar off all the way across in an attempt to make the scars smaller. She didn't like how much they had stretched out.
I had an appt with her yesterday. John had called to see if I wanted him to come home and take me, I told him no. It was no big deal going up there, but I am sore now. Was trying to not take the Vicodin but had to last night, and will probably need another one this morning.

The bone marrow drive that was scheduled this weekend to try and find a match for Danica is still on. If you have the time, and inclination please think about getting tested. While it is too late for Danica, you may be able to help someone else. Here is the info again on that...

Bone Marrow Drive Reminder
In memory of Danica Martinez
Please register to be tested to become a donor:
Saturday September 27th 2008
11am to 4pm
2333 North Harlem
Chicago, IL 60707
There is an urgent need for minorities to join the registry.Remember testing is painless and free but donations are always welcome.
Please share this information with all your contacts
We can save a life!!!!

Courtney was wise beyond her years. This is from a post she had written. When she was 21.......before her recurrence...

Who am I? Not even I know anymore. I can tell you what I’m not. I’m not a college graduate. I’m not a wife. I’m not a mother. I’m underinsured and under paid. They say I’m not even a patient anymore. I certainly don’t feel like any type of survivor. I’m not bald any longer, wish that I was. Being bald certainly looked better than this mess that is on top of my head now. It was just three years ago that I left home. I’m not a kid, but I’ll admit I’m not an adult. Cancer taught me that. That I can experience menopause twice before I get any over the hill parties, but I haven’t paid enough taxes to receive SSI. Friends?!?….My peers are graduating college, living the best years of their lives, drinking, partying, discovering wonderful opportunities, with the world at their finger tips. They didn’t have to drop out of college to get chemo. Their boyfriends didn’t leave because he’s afraid they’ll die. Or their friends stopped coming over, calling because cancer is scary and now too close to home. No my peers are fine. My friends, however, are the girls who know what zofran is or more importantly how expensive. Those who were also told they were too young for all of this. But now it is those same doctors who say it’s gone. Congratulations! You can now completely restart your life with no blue print, no manual, and no safety net. I’m nothing, at least on paper. You don’t put 18 months of crying, hair loss, and puking on a resume. They say I should go back to school. To pursue a degree I may never use??? It’s gone!?! For now. But remember 20 year olds don’t get breast cancer. Which must mean 21 year olds don’t get reoccurrences? Yes that’s right I’m still scared. Everyday. Miss big, bad breast cancer survivor cries before every check up and is terrified over headaches. The doctors, therapists can tell women with BC how to explain it to their children, manage their careers, and still be intimate with their husbands. They can’t tell me whether Ill ever have children, recover from cancer well enough financially to have a career, or find time between appointments and hot flashes to meet a man who can deal with either. And further dare not discuss real young adult issues with the physician whom saved your life. A young cancer patient should never be as irresponsible as to deal with substance or alcohol abuse, premarital sex, STD’s, or quality of life vs. meds and tests issues. I am a young breast cancer survivor. I am lost, scared, and not quite ready to face the civilian world I am being forced back into.

I also wanted to add this, Tracey had this on her MySpace Bulletin;

IMPORTANT!!! This weekend...

My friend Courtney died after battling stage IV breast cancer on Sept. 15, 2008 at age 23, I was with her. If you can make it please come and support an amazing cause in honor of my amazing friend who died far too young...Thanks
We're kicking off our benefit to remember Courtney and all those that have battled Breast Cancer!
We will have pink cancer awareness bracelets for sale and all the proceeds will go towards the benefit!
We will be donating ALL money made from BODY SHOTS for this benefit!
We [might] have pink Coyote t shirts for sale and ALL money made from their sales will be donated for this benefit!
Any cash donations from our customers, employees, friends, or family will be included!Remember that there is no such thing as too little or too much when donating for a cause as great as this! Hell, if you give us $1 we will appreciate it!
So come on down and bring them $$ bills, ya'll!
If you would like to participate but cannot attend, please send an official bank check (not a personal check) or money order made out to Young Survivors Coalition to:
Coyote Ugly Saloon
316 W Erie Ave
Chicago, IL.60654
Thanks everyone!

If you are out and about this weekend, stop by there!!!

Well, if this seems a bit like rambling, I apologize. I have not gotten much sleep the last couple of days (could have to do with sleeping in the recliner! I can't get comfy anywhere else though). So, I am off to take a nap. 2-3 hours would be wonderful right now!! Then I should still be able to sleep tonight.

This won't be a long post. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am home from my revision surgery and am doing fine. I actually feel pretty good aside from my left side hurting a bit and being tired. Seems like we got that anesthesia thing down finally

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!!

Courtney 6/6/1985-9/15/2008

This is one of my favorite pictures of Courtney, even if I don't know the story behind it.

This is Courtney about a month before she was diagnosed-3 years ago today.

Courtney passed last night around 12:30. Tracey was able to be with her which is what she (Courtney) would have wanted.

She is proof that this damn disease doesn't care how old you are. She should have not had to deal with this at her age. But she did so with courage and "fought like a girl".

May you be at peace now. I will miss you Courtney. Til we meet again......

In Honor of Courtney

This is the default pic that Courtney has on her myspace page. In honor of her and the struggle she is going through, I have changed the layout of this page.

Courtney is close to her end. She is such a fighter, and not giving up. I can't begin to tell you how this is breaking my heart. The hospital chaplain was in while I was in there the other day. I was hoping that Courtney would then realize that it was okay to move on from this life. She has decided that she isn't ready yet.

Courtney is the first YSCer to pass from this damned disease that I had met in person. She is such a spunky gal. This all just seems so unfair, and unjust. She is only 23. Hell, she was born the year I graduated High School. There are so many things she never got to do, as well as so many people that never had the pleasure of meeting her.

I could go on, but I won't. Just please keep Court in your thoughts and prayers as she gets ready to pass from this world. Please pray for her to find that peace she so deserves.

Created by Lyla from YSC

No explanation needed. Click on image for bigger pic.

What the Hell!!

I feel like typing a whole slew of cuss words here. Blogger may delete me if I do that though. So I won't, but know that I am thinking them!!

Danica is gone. Leaving those three lovely babies behind. She KNEW she would be next. None of us wanted to believe her. DAMN! She was moved to the cardiac unit a couple of days ago and went into cardiac arrest this morning.

Enough for now. Just imagine every cuss word there is being streamed right now. Even if it is only in my head--the girls are home.

Gotta go

Can You Help Danica??

This is Danica. You may remember that I have written about her before. She was diagnosed at the age of 28-she is now 31. As you can see in the picture, she has 3 fairly young children. She is a single mom, with not a lot of family support (again-don't understand that, but..). She now has chemo induced leukemia, she needs a bone marrow transplant. So far there have not been any matches. One of the ladies is putting together a bone marrow drive in Chicago (other ladies are doing this in other areas). Please click here to view more information, and PLEASE pass the information along to anyone that you think could help out. The drive is on September 27th -233 N. Harlem from 11-4.

It is my understanding that now they simply draw blood to check for a match. I would get tested if I could. Unfortunately anyone that has had cancer is not eligible.

PLEASE get tested if you can. Here are the eligibility requirements. Danica is fighting for her life! She has been in the hospital more than she has been at home. The treatments they are giving her are working for now, however her body is getting tired from these treatments. She needs a match to be found. PLEASE help her be around to watch her children grow up!!

Courtney

Saturday I had some training in Chicago for the Network of Strength (aka Y-ME). I was the only one that showed up. So very one on one training! It is not exactly what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was for the health fairs--where you have a booth, pass out information, and talk to people that way. NO. It is to stand up in front of a room of people and talk to them. Not totally happy with this, but I guess I'll give it a try. I'm not as freaked out at the moment as I thought I would be. But of course that will change once something is set up.

I am hoping to get them going on doing something with younger survivors. Since the YSC has dropped the ball on this. I guess they figure since Chicago has Y-ME (I hate the new name) that they aren't needed. Not true. Maybe the two organizations can work together??

After that I went to see Courtney. She was still in ICU, but was being moved back to a regular room later that day. She has responded well to the new pain meds-that is wonderful! She was obviously tired-but didn't seem to be in as much pain as Tracey had mentioned her being in before. Again, Great News!! I had given her some wigs the last time I had seen her, she was due to start chemo again. She had since found out that the type of chemo she will have, she will not lose her hair. She said she liked the long curly wig though--we told her that she could always wear the wig anyway!!

Tracey has been by Courtney's side since last Tuesday. Thank god she has her!! She has been the one dealing with the doctors since her family isn't there. It would have been way too much for Courtney to deal with by herself. I really don't understand her mom. I met her back in December, I would never thought she would be like this. She was due to come today. If that was my daughter, you would not have gotten me out of that room. I guess I just don't understand. And probably never will, since this is not the way I think. She lives in Fort Wayne, IN. not all that far away. A group of about 9 friends and one of their mothers come to see Courtney Saturday-but her mom isn't there yet. Go figure.

Last week the drs had given Courtney 2 weeks to 2 months-a time line she didn't want to know. Saturday Tracey told me that since she is responding so well to the pain meds they have upgraded that to months. Obviously great news. Still hoping for a miracle in there. Hoping also that all of that time isn't spent in the hospital or hospice-that she gets to get out and enjoy herself at least a little bit. She does know the time line now--her dad did not respect her wishes and told her. (again--don't understand the thinking).

GOLD!!!! and...

Silver!!! Way to go USA!! The women's gymnastics was awesome tonight!! Nastia Liukin won the gold, with Shawn Johnson taking the silver. I won't pretend to completely understand the way they score them. I do have to say though, that I didn't get how they did some of the scoring, it just seemed off. Doesn't matter though! I can't wait to watch again with Haley tomorrow. I also can't wait until October!! I recently got tickets for the world gymnastics tour, which features-among others-Nastia and Shawn! This will be awesome! I haven't told Haley yet, so if you see her, don't let her know. It will be her and I, as well as Jenna and one of the girls from her gymnastics (Carissa) and her mom. I bet those tickets are going to start selling faster now!!

Meet Courtney

Watch Courtney have fun dancing...

Courtney Getting Down




Courtney is a classically trained dancer, and loves to dance. The last time I saw her, it absolutely broke my heart because she was walking like she was 80. Now she is in the hospital again. She is in alot of pain, they are moving her back to ICU to manage the pain. It is not looking good. Another Chicago gal, Tracey, has been by her side. Her family is in Indiana, she does live with one sister, but she is not "there" for her. Not sure the whole story there, but it is sad. I plan on going to see her Saturday after my Y-Me volunteer training.

I am asking that you keep Courtney in your thoughts and prayers, or light a candle for her, whatever it is that you do. It completely sucks that at 23 she is having to go through this. It completely sucks that she probably will not make it to see this Christmas, or this fall. She should be out partying, having a blast, not going through this.

My heart is breaking. I don't know Courtney as well as some of the other Chicago ladies. She has a special place in my heart though. The outlook is not good. I wish there were some miracle to reverse this and return her to her youthful life. If she must leave us, I pray that she is pain free. I know I couldn't do what Tracey is doing. She is being a great friend-staying with her non stop. God this just sucks.

*******

Happy Birthday to me!!!

The big 4-1

Say WHAT????

Ok, this may not be for everyone, but OMG!!! It is freakin hilarious!!!

Man Almost Loses Penis Humping Steel Bench

Idiots!!!

People are amazing! And I don't mean that in a good way. The girls and I were out today. I was at a light waiting to turn right, the light changes, I have to wait for the kid to finish riding his bike across the road before I turn. Well, the idiot behind me honks because I am not moving!! Can you believe it?? What could they possibly have to do that is so important that it is worth running a kid over? I mean really.

Not Really into politcs, but...

I am not real well read on politics. I tend to stay away from the subject as much as possible. It just tends to start to many fights. And lets face it you aren't going to change my mind, and I am not going to change yours. BUT... for those sitting on the fence about the upcoming election, someone posted this on the bulletin board, and I think it is VERY important..........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McCain's Health Care Plan McCain gave a speech on his health care plan yesterday which said very little. In this NY Times article, McCain's economic advisor Holtz-Eakin makes it clear that their political strategy is to avoid getting tied down on any details, so that the glaring flaws in the plan won't be quite so obvious.

Let's start with the one hard proposal McCain has made: he would tax employer-sponsored health insurance and create new tax credits--$5000 for a family and $2500 for an individual--for people who buy their own insurance. As Holtz-Eakin made clear in the talk I attended last month, this means that workers would have to pay taxes on the value of health benefits they received from employers. This is explicitly an attempt to kill the existing system of employer-provided care by dramatically increasing taxes on workers.

How would this work out for the typical worker? Consider this information from the most recent Kaiser Family Foundation study of health care costs:In 2007, for a family the average total premium for a health care plan was $12,106, with $8824 paid by the employer. Let's say the McCain plan is enacted. What would happen to that average family if the employer continued to provide coverage (Scenario 1)? For a married couple filing jointly with income $63K-128K, the marginal tax rate is 25%, so they would face a tax increase of $2406 (25% of $8824).

But of course the intent of the McCain plan is to kill the employer-provided system. So let's say the McCain program is adopted and your employer drops your family's coverage (Scenario 2). What would happen? You would now have to foot the complete $12,106 bill for coverage, a $8825 increase over the employee-portion you're currently paying. This would be offset by a $5000 tax credit. So net, you would end up paying $3325 ($8825-$5000) more for your health care.

So, remarkably, McCain has managed to design a heads-you-lose, tails-you-lose program. Either your employer keeps your coverage, in which case you face a huge tax increase. Or your employer drops your coverage, and you face an even more massive increase in your out-of-pocket health-care costs.

The best-case scenario would be that employers who dropped coverage would then increase wages, compensating workers for the jump in what they have to pay for health care. In the long-run, there's a fair case to be made that this would happen, but as Keynes famously remarked, "In the long run, we're all dead," and the transition period would be extremely painful.

Strangely, although the plan is plainly an attempt to deep-six the employer-provided system, according to the NY Time article, "Mr. Holtz-Eakin said he believed that many employers would still offer health insurance to try to attract the best workers ..." If that's right, these workers would face a huge jump in their tax bill (see Scenario 1 above).

None of this gets to the key problem in McCain's plan: on the individual market, people with pre-existing conditions would be denied coverage. Here's the relevant part of the Times article:

Mr. McCain had previously described aspects of his health care plan but on Tuesday offered new details on how to cover people with existing health problems, in a nod to the growing concerns about the difficulties that many sick, older and low-income people have getting insurance.

Elizabeth Edwards ... recently pointed out that both she and Mr. McCain could be left uncovered by Mr. McCain’s plan because she has cancer and he has had melanoma. Stung by such criticism, Mr. McCain is trying to develop a way to cover people with health problems while still taking a generally market-based approach to solving the health care crisis.

“I’ll work tirelessly to address the problem,” Mr. McCain said in a speech here at the H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center & Research Institute. “But I won’t create another entitlement program that Washington will let get out of control. I won’t do it. Nor will I saddle states with another unfunded mandate.”

For people who currently get health insurance through their jobs, Mr. McCain’s plan would give them a tax credit that they could put toward buying a different, and potentially less expensive, health insurance plan tailored to their needs — and allow them to keep that health plan, and their doctors, even if they switch or lose their jobs.

But Democrats and some experts said the proposal might lead some employers to stop offering health insurance, and questioned whether the tax credit would cover the cost of private insurance ....

Mr. McCain’s speech here implicitly acknowledged some of the shortcomings of his free-market approach. But rather than force insurers to stop cherry-picking the healthiest — and least expensive — patients, Mr. McCain proposed that the federal government work with states to cover those who cannot find insurance on the open market. With federal financial assistance, his plan would encourage states to create high-risk pools that would contract with insurers to cover consumers who have been rejected on the open market.

Mr. McCain was vague Tuesday about just how his safety net would be structured, and did not specify how much it might cost, leaving the details to negotiations with Congress and the states. But his top domestic policy adviser, Douglas Holtz-Eakin, said in an interview that the federal share could cost between $7 billion and $10 billion — money he said could be redirected from existing federal programs that pay for uncompensated medical care, mainly in hospitals.

Mr. Holtz-Eakin said that sum, when combined with contributions expected from the states and insurers, that could provide coverage for the five million to seven million uninsured people t he estimates cannot obtain it because of their health or age.

These figures are nonsense on their face. If the federal government is going to subsidize a high-risk pool of 5-7 million people with $7-10 billion a year, the proposed subsidy is $1400 year. There is no way to this is going to be anywhere close to covering the extra insurance costs for a group that consists of old and sick people. Although McCain intentionally leaves out the details, the only place these extra funds could come from is from the states. In other words, although McCain says, "Nor will I saddle states with another unfunded mandate,” this is exactly what his plan would do.

Additionally, the 5-7 million is surely a vast underestimate of the number of people who would not be able to obtain health insurance in McCain-land. Anyone old, sick, or with a prior condition--a number that would easily be in the several tens of millions--would not be able to obtain insurance at anything other than obscene rates. Faced with no restrictions, insurers would cherry pick only the low-risk customers.

Overall, the McCain plan would raise taxes on workers in an effort to eviscerate the current health care system in the name of free market idolatry. To the extent it fails to completely destroy the existing system--as McCain's advisor anticipates--it would saddle the average family with $2400 in extra taxes to penalize them for having employer-sponsored care. And if the McCain plan succeeded in killing the current system, it would leave tens of millions unable to buy any care, until he comes up with some new safety net, details to be provided later, i.e. never.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sounds very scary to me. I felt an extreme dread when I found out that W had won the reelection (That man has done NOTHING to gain my respect, therefor I refuse to call him president). I feel the same sense of dread at the thought of Mc Cain being elected. This country has been through hell the last 8 years. It is time for a change!!

Ok, off my soap box for now.

Two More Gone.....

Two more of my lovely YSC friends have passed away in the last couple of weeks. Something REALLY needs to be done about this. Two young children are now without their moms. And the world is without the wit and smiley faces of these two Wonderful women.

Lola passed away this past Sunday July 20th. She was a huge presence on the boards, and always good for a laugh. Living in Scotland, I don't know that anyone had met her in person yet. One lady is in Europe now on vacation and had planned on meeting up with Lola this week. Was just talking to her about it the week before she died. It was that sudden.

Lola was diagnosed just 2 months before me. She then had a recurrence the following year. Her daughters birthday was days after she passed. Not exactly sure how old Robyn is, but from the pic (dated 2005) I am guessing around 5. I am not sure how old Lola was. I am guessing close to my age, but could be completely off.

Lola our view from across the pond

Lola's beautiful daughter

Jayme was a friend from Wisconsin. She had hoped several times to make it to one of our Chicago gatherings, but unfortunately wasn't able to make it. I had mentioned at one time that I would love to get some kind of girls weekend together and would let her know about it--but we were never able to get that together either. That I regret. Jayme's will was amazing. She had a great outlook, even with all that she had been through.

She also left a child within days of his birthday. Below are my favorite pics of Jayme, the first with her laying her head on Kody's lap is priceless. The second pic is what I think of when I think of her.

I was not able to go up for Jayme's funeral service. I wish I could have. I had a Library Finance Committee meeting that I had to be at. This does bother me that I wasn't able to be there. She was just 35 years old.

Jayme Gonzalez-getting a hug from her son

One of my favorite pictures of Jayme

Both ladies will be missed. Something has got to be done. Children need to quit losing there mommies.

Randy Pausch

Randy Pausch passed away this moring due to complications from Pancreatic Cancer. This man was an inspiration to millions. His Last Lecture on youtube and in book form are something that everyone should see/read. Below is the article from the Carnegie Mellon College....

Randy Pausch Inspired Millions
Randy Pausch, the professor at Carnegie Mellon University who inspired countless students in the classroom and others worldwide through his highly acclaimed last lecture, has died of complications from pancreatic cancer. He was 47.
Also a Carnegie Mellon alumnus, Pausch co-founded the Entertainment Technology Center and led researchers who created Alice, a revolutionary way to teach computer programming. He was widely respected in academic circles for a unique interdisciplinary approach, bringing together artists, dramatists and designers to break new ground by working in collaboration with computer scientists.
Outside the classroom, he gained public fame for delivering what would come to be known as "The Last Lecture." On Sept. 18, 2007, only a month after doctors told him that he had three-to-six months to live following a recurrence of pancreatic cancer, he presented a lecture called "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams" to a packed auditorium at Carnegie Mellon.The moving and often humorous talk recounted his efforts to achieve such childhood dreams as becoming a professional football player, experiencing zero gravity and developing Disney World attractions. In the process, he shared his insights on finding the good in other people, working hard to overcome obstacles and living generously."If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself," Pausch said. "The dreams will come to you."The video appeared on countless websites and has been viewed by millions. Appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show, ABC's Good Morning America and the CBS Evening News followed.A book version, "The Last Lecture" co-written by Jeff Zaslow of the Wall Street Journal (and a fellow Carnegie Mellon alumnus), became a best-seller upon its release this spring."Randy had an enormous and lasting impact on Carnegie Mellon," said Carnegie Mellon President Jared L. Cohon. "A brilliant researcher and gifted teacher, he was a key member of our Human-Computer Interaction Institute and co-founder of the Entertainment Technology Center. His love of teaching, his sense of fun and his brilliance came together in the Alice project, which teaches students computer programming while enabling them to do something fun — making animated movies and games. Carnegie Mellon — and the world — are better places for having had Randy Pausch in them."Pausch was also a pioneer in the development of virtual reality, including creating the popular Building Virtual Worlds class.A memorial service at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh is being planned; details will be announced at a later date.He is survived by his wife, Jai, and three children: Chloe, Dylan and Logan. The family requests that donations on his behalf be directed to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, 2141 Rosecrans Ave., Suite 7000, El Segundo, CA 90245, or to Carnegie Mellon's Randy Pausch Memorial Fund, which the university will use primarily to support continued work on the Alice project.
For more information on Randy's life and legacy, read In Memoriam: Randy Pausch, Innovative Computer Scientist at Carnegie Mellon, Launched Education Initiatives, Gained Worldwide Acclaim for Last Lecture.

Unfortunately the links don't come through when you copy and paste. So if you would like to see the whole article with clickable links, click here..

RIP Mr. Pausch

I'm Fine Folks!!

Apparently my posts, and/or lack of, are freaking a few people out. I assure you that I am FINE!!! I am allowed to have off days. And I will have them. When I do, I post about them here-occasionally-so that others going through this realize that they are not the first to go through this.

I am normally optimistic. Anyone who knows me, knows this. I copied that article so that on those days that I am not feeling upbeat I won't have people telling me how I have to be happy because it is healthy for me. It is not healthy for me, or anyone, to keep everything they are feeling inside. I am not one to share those negative feelings verbally-so, I write them here. It is a way to get it out for me.

Please, read the disclaimer at the top of this page!!!

On another note, I have been keeping pretty busy this summer and have not had a lot of time to post on here. I will get back to posting when things slow down a little. (probably in the fall). And when I do, I will be starting to gear this more towards a page about my family and less about cancer.

Oh--one more note. I lost another friend this past Friday to this crap. 35 years old. Her son turns 5 tomorrow. More optimistic and full of life than anyone I have ever met. So yeah, that shit hits hard. On several levels. I will post more about Jayme in a few days. When hopefully I won't well up with tears, and will be able to see what the hell I am writing.

Our Relay for Life is this Friday. If you haven't made a donation, please do. The links are on the left. You can donate under my name, John, or the girls. The most important thing is that you donate. Any amount you feel comfortable with can help a great deal.

Nuff said. I'm off to bed.

Funk....

I am back in a funk. There are several reasons I can think of for this, none of which do I want to discuss right now.
What I will say is that I will continue to post on here, although you will see less and less cancer talk, and it will begin just being more about me and my family. I'm sure occasionally something having to do with cancer will pop up. I am trying to move on and not think about it as much.
The funk is cancer related. I took an Ativan last night to slow my mind down so I could sleep. I think tonight I will take a sleeping pill. If I can get a few good nights of sleep, that may help the funk.

Thanks for always being there, and for listening!!

Good to Know..

I know I normally can look at the bright side of things, this is good to know for those days when the bright side seems to be out of reach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.abc.net.au/pm/content/2008/s2262841.htm
Positive thinking does not help fight cancer: study PRINT FRIENDLY EMAIL STORY PM - Monday, 2 June , 2008 18:14:00Reporter: Barbara Miller
MARK COLVIN: We journalists too often deploy the cliche about people "battling" cancer, but now Australian researchers have found that there's actually nothing much a patient's attitude can do to fight the disease.Cancer specialists agree that it's a finding which is both reassuring and unsettling.They've concluded that a breast cancer patient's attitude to the illness has no influence whatsoever on their chance of survival. The scientists say the work proves that patients should stop blaming themselves if their cancer returns.But some patients aren't keen to let go of their belief in the power of positive thinking.This report from Barbara Miller.
BARBARA MILLER: It's an idea which has been gaining ground for some time. Smaller studies have already suggested that positive thinking does not boost a cancer patient's chance of survival.Those findings have now been confirmed with a large long-term study involving the assessment of more than 700 breast cancer patients over a period of eight years.The study's lead author Associate Professor Kelly-Anne Phillips from the Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre in Melbourne has just presented the findings at a major cancer conference in Chicago. She says for some patients it's good news.
KELLY-ANNE PHILLIPS: I think it’s certainly good news for those women that I see whose cancer has unfortunately returned and who come to me and are really blaming themselves for not having thought positively enough or having been depressed or anxious after their cancer diagnosis.And they come along thinking that is the main reason their cancer has recurred. And now I’m able to tell those women, look that’s just not true.
BARBARA MILLER: Kelly-Anne Philipps, who's also a Colebatch Clinical Research Fellow at the Cancer Council of Victoria, says the findings don't need to take away a patient's sense of having control over their illness.
KELLY-ANNE PHILLIPS: The things that are important are, you know, having the right treatment and taking the appropriate treatment and also there are other emerging factors that are important in survival after breast cancer, so things like regular exercise for example, is something that women do have control over and it seems to be emerging as an important prognostic factor, maintaining normal body weight for example, is clearly a very important prognostic factor after breast cancer.So I think it means that women can focus on the things that we really do know make a difference.
BARBARA MILLER: Dr Jane Turner, a spokesperson for the Cancer Council, has welcomed the research.
JANE TURNER: I’m absolutely delighted because a number of people believe that stress causes cancer and women are commonly told to be positive. However, that denies them the chance to talk about the things that are really concerning them, it denies them the chance to necessarily seek the support they might need, and it also denies them a chance to seek treatment for anxiety and depression, which are very common.Some people are naturally optimistic, some people are worriers. You can’t turn yourself into something you’re not, nor should you feel burdened that you have to.
BARBARA MILLER: Would you expect that these findings would also apply to other forms of cancer?
JANE TURNER: I would expect so. There has been some research done in Melbourne, at Peter MacCallum Hospital, looking at lung cancer and they’ve found similar results.
BARBARA MILLER: But some cancer patients are sceptical about the findings.Lizzie Wheeler from New South Wales was diagnosed two years ago with ovarian cancer.
LIZZIE WHEELER: I don’t think I could have made it this far if I didn’t have a positive outlook and everybody around me was positive. I’ve had times where things have been really rough and I’ve been really ill, but I’ve managed to bounce back up again.
BARBARA MILLER: What do you make then of this study that finds that the attitude that people have, in this particular case, to do with breast cancer had no impact on their chance of survival?
LIZZIE WHEELER: I’m not sure where they’re coming from with that. I don’t know. I can’t believe that your attitude doesn’t have an outcome that helps with you to keep going.
BARBARA MILLER: John Stubbs is the executive officer with the advocacy group, Cancer Voices Australia. He says the research findings will help some patients.
JOHN STUBBS: Personally, I feel that my positive attitude was of great benefit to me, not only that, I had a great clinician and I had great family support. So, I think I got the whole package.It’s probably fair to say that there would be a number … or there would be many cancer patients who feel the same, or there may be an equal number of patients who don’t want to be trapped – I think we call it, trapped in the prism of the positive, that they’ve been positive throughout their cancer and its returned and all of a sudden they’re made to feel guilty about that.So, I think there will be some good things that’ll come out of this report.
BARBARA MILLER: That report prepared by Barbara Miller.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.webmd.com/cancer/news/20071022/...snt-whip-cancer
Positive Attitude Doesn't Whip Cancer?
Patients' Positive Thinking Has No Impact on Cancer Survival, Study ShowsBy Salynn Boyles

WebMD Health NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDOct. 22, 2007 -- Having a positive attitude may help cancer patients deal with their disease, but it doesn't directly affect survival, according to one of the largest and most rigorously designed investigations ever to examine the issue.
The study included more than 1,000 people treated for head and neck cancer; the emotional state of patients was found to have no influence on survival.The findings add to the growing evidence showing no scientific basis for the popular notion that an upbeat attitude is critical for "beating" cancer, says University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine behavioral scientist James C. Coyne, PhD, who led the study team."I wish it were true that cancer survival was influenced by the patient's emotional state," he tells WebMD. "But given that it is not, I think we should stop blaming the patient."'The Tyranny of Positive Thinking' Jimmie Holland, MD, agrees. The Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center psychiatrist is a longtime critic of the "mind over cancer" proponents who tell patients they must stay positive to survive their disease.In her book The Human Side of Cancer, Living with Hope, Coping with Uncertainty, Holland coined the term "the tyranny of positive thinking" to describe the belief."The idea that we can control illness and death with our minds appeals to our deepest yearnings, but it just isn't so," she tells WebMD. "It is so sad that cancer patients are made to believe that if they aren't doing well it is somehow their own fault because they aren't positive enough."Holland does acknowledge the benefits of staying positive during cancer treatment, and she is an advocate of techniques like relaxation, meditation, support groups, and prayer to help patients cope with their disease.But she says there is no credible evidence that positive thinking alone directly influences tumor growth."People really want to believe this, so even very good studies like this one probably won't change public thinking," she says. "But the scientific community is getting the message."Attitude and Cancer SurvivalThe newly published study included 1,093 patients with head and neck cancer who completed quality-of-life questionnaires during their treatment.Coyne says the study group was limited to patients with a single cancer who had similar treatments to better assess the impact of state of mind on survival.A total of 646 patients died during the study follow-up. Even after acounting for other variables that could affect survival, a patient's emotional state was found to have no bearing on whether or not he or she lived or died.The study appears in the Dec. 1 issue of the American Cancer Society (ACS) journal Cancer.In a separate review of other studies published earlier this year, Coyne, University of Pennsylvania colleague Steven Palmer, PhD, and ACS researcher Michael Stefanek, PhD, found insufficient evidence that participation in psychotherapy or cancer support groups plays a role in survival.In that report, the researchers concluded that the hope that emotional state is a driving factor in cancer outcomes "appears to have been misplaced.""If cancer patients want psychotherapy or to be in a support group, they should be given the opportunity to do so," they wrote in the journal Psychological Bulletin. "There can be lots of emotional and social benefits. But [patients] should not seek such experiences solely on the expectation that they are extending their lives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sea of Pink??

NOT!! More like a sea of umbrellas!

That was what the Y-Me walk looked like today. Short of snowing, I don't think the weather could have gotten any worse. It poured the whole time, and was down right chilly. I was really disappointed-it was too hard to get into the experience.

For some reason I felt I needed to do this by myself. Not completely sure why, but I went with it. (I am glad I didn't bring the girls-they would have been miserable, making me more miserable.) Luckily I did bring layers of clothes and an umbrella. I did not think to bring extra shoes though, and am now in the process of drying them out. The wind gusts were upwards of 40 mph-which of course flipped my umbrella inside out a few times. I ended up soaked despite having it. I walked to and from the hotel, rather than have to park again. The way back it was raining harder, and windier. I will probably do this again next year, but NOT if it is raining.

On the plus side, the hotel is really nice. I am at the Hyatt downtown-I pricelined it again. $88-tax and all. And let me tell you, this room is HUGE! Again, I had felt like I needed to do this myself. I guess I was hoping something would happen that would bring me out of this funk that I am in. I can't even begin to explain it to you. The thoughts that I have had lately are just wrong (nothing suicidal, so don't worry). I am really hoping that when I see the dr on Tuesday and he says that the scans were all clear, that I will start to feel better. But I am seriously starting to doubt that. If it doesn't I may have to ask for a referral to speak to someone. I guess I just feel this doom on and off-no rhyme or reason as to why it rears up. I am sad alot--of course I don't show anyone that. I try to be the "happy" person they need to see. It is wearing on me though. I think this is part of the reason to be here myself this weekend.

I think also that I was hoping to get the chance to speak with some other survivors that are further out of treatment. With the weather so crappy, that wasn't really possible. Ah well, I guess this is something I have to work out for myself.

For all you moms out there--I hope you enjoy your day. Me---I am off to dry out the shoes some more!

I Know, I know...

I haven't been on here in awhile. I have kind of been in a really weird place emotionally, so I haven't felt like posting.

I promise to update soon.

Thanks for your patience.

T-I-Double G-ER

I will explain this in a minute....But first...

This coming Tuesday--April 15th will be my last Herceptin--Yeah!! Feel free to send congrats, leave comments here, or call--but wait til Wednesday as I will be too tired Tuesday and will probably be napping. I will be talking with the doc that morning and will know exactly where we go from here. I have an idea, but I am sure he will spell it out for me then. I am still going to insist that this damn port comes out. I am so over this thing, and it is bothering me more and more. This could be psychological, I know-but I want it gone. I also think I am going to insist on scans. The only thing we have done so far is a chest x-ray, which I believe we will be doing again soon. Other than that, he doesn't really do scans unless something shows up in the blood work. Cathy's drs found her mets later b/c they didn't scan. I don't want that happening to me. If this crap is coming back, I want to know and get on it as soon as possible. Yes, finishing treatment is a great thing, don't get me wrong, but there are some mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, you are done, did all you can do, and can get back to a "normal life". On the other hand, you did all you can do-now it is a game of did I beat it for good, or not? I really didn't think I would be one of the people that sat around worrying about it coming back. I still don't think it will be on my mind all the time, but with all that has been going on lately, I do worry about it coming back. I truly believe I have beat this. That I will be 70 plus and saying I am a 30 year (or more) survivor. Hopefully, they will have this crap licked by then, and I will have no one to say that to. There is still a small voice in the back of my head that says--What if?? Especially with the way things have been going on the list lately. So many recurrences. Three ladies have passed away. A few ladies that are near and dear to my heart are having a rough time. Jayme is in the hospital in pain. Possibly nerve pain--the worst to try and do anything with. Seems she may have fluid building up around her lungs, which is affecting her heart. She has a loving hubby and a young son. Danica is back in the hospital with her leukemia (which they are again saying is chemo induced)-she has three children. And Courtney. A fellow Chicago area lady that is really having a rough time of it. At 23, she has dealt with more than most people have in a lifetime. She is in a back brace, her mets involving her spine. She should be out partying, enjoying life, feeling invincible. Not feeling old beyond her years because of this damn disease.

Pictures. I need to take more pictures. Or, actually, I need to get more pictures taken of me. I went to Cathy's wake last week, there were tons of pictures of her. I am usually the one behind the camera, so not usually in the picture. Even if I die of old age at 100 plus (I want to be one of those centurions!!), I want there to be lots of pictures of me through all of my life. They even had the pic of Cathy in Chicago--looking up-copied and in the corner was her birthdate and the day she died. So much nicer- I think -than the prayer cards. That is what I want done, and what I want to be able to do for others too. So, if I am taking more pics--deal with it! I need a way to preserve memories!

Now again, with finishing treatment, I am happy. I have to say though that people tend to think that that is it. You're done now, it is over. Please, I beg of you, do not utter these words to me. This will never be done for me. I will forever live with a body different than the one I was born with b/c of this. I have been emotionally and mentally (some would say this is a good thing!) b/c of this. I will have more dr appt b/c of this. I am alive, and I will push the occasional fear to to back of my head, but it will never be truly "over". I know that may be hard for you to understand. May even sound pessimistic. But it really isn't. (Wasn't I just talking about living to 100 +??) Just honest.

Netflix is a wonderful thing. (How's that for changing the subject??) It was great during treatment, and wonderful for recovery from surgery. If you know someone that is dealing with either of those things and are wanting to do something for them, think about getting them a subscription for a month or two. And no, I do not work for them, or have stock in them. Anyway..I sat down to watch a movie yesterday and unfortunately it was scratched. Well since I had my laptop set up and was in the mood to watch something (I love watching movies on my laptop!) I browsed Netflix's online catalog. These are movies etc that you can watch immediately. I couldn't find a movie I really wanted to see, but they had Dexter on there. For those that don't know, this is a Showtime Original series-I always thought I would like it, but never got around to watching it. Well, last night I sat and watched four episodes. I am hooked. The first one moved a little slow, but left me hanging at the end-so I had to see the next one. Then I was hooked. I need to catch up with this show. It is dark and crazy. Right up my alley!! It is about a serial killer. But he only kills the bad guys. Give it a try!

On the same sort of note, the girls and I watched Alvin and the Chipmunks last weekend-very cute!! I knew I would like this one. We also watched Sweeney Todd. This was good--but you have to like musicals, as it is pretty much all singing. There was part that was unexpected--and I just started laughing--I couldn't stop. Jenna said "Mom, Haley has a look of disgust and you are laughing"--I couldn't help it.

Ok, On to Tigger. I don't know if you have heard of "The Last Lecture" or not. Randy Pausch is dying of pancreatic cancer. This is a lecture he gave at the school he teaches at. His attitude is amazing. I think everyone should at least watch the Diane Sawyer special that was on Wednesday. I have this saved on DVR--come on over if you would like to see it. You can also watch it online here. The full lecture is on YouTube. There is also a book--I plan on getting this. I have not had an opportunity to watch the full lecture yet, but I plan to very soon. There is also a link to this on the ABC News site. One of the questions he asks is, "are you a Tigger or an Eyeore?" Now while I love Eyeore--I mean he is soooo cute, I myself am a Tigger (who also happens to be one of my favorites). Hence the Tigger graphic and title to this post. I hope you either are, or will work on being a Tigger with me.

Cancer Sucks!

One of my friends from the YSC boards passed away last night. She was surrounded by her family and was peaceful. But I am so sad and pissed off right now. She was about 33, left behind a wonderful hubby and son. I don't remember how old Danny is, but I am thinking around 3.
Cathy was known as Mama Cath on the boards. She kind of took the newer ladies under her wing. She had a great way of looking at things too. This is from a post she had in June o6;

It's happening again.


Every once in a while the board goes through a really tough time. Our hearts break for our sisters whose cancers are spreading at frightening rates. We see their selfless, innocent posts that detail the cancer taking over. How they feel, what they're thinking. What they need. The struggle, the powerlessness, the strength and courage.

I just wanted to pull all you newbies in close and let you know that we've all been there and you are probably absolutely freaking out right now. Chemo has beaten you up, you feel like a shadow of who you used to be. Tired, depressed and overwhelmed.

You may even feel guilty because you are not only sad for these beautiful women, but you are sad FOR YOU. You see yourself in every one of these women that becomes so very sick and then loses the battle.

It's normal to feel this way and it's OK. We understand and so do they. Your mother may not, your husband may not. your friends may not, but we do.

And there's nothing wrong with feeling sad and getting angry. But please remember that the odds are that YOU are going to get better. YOU are going to get your hair back and start to feel well again. YOU are going to get back to the life that you want to lead.

So if you are checking the boards incessantly right now, reading the latest post, then sobbing and then going back for more.....been there too. You are grieving....this disease is not fair....it's disgusting and ugly and perverse. And it's so much more unfair to certain sisters than others. And there's nothing fair about that.

So grieve for them. Grieve for you. And then remember that you will get better.

Love,
cathy

I can't begin to tell you how many women that post has helped, and continues to help. Cathy was dx'd in April 2005 at the age of 30. January 2007 she was dx'd with mets to the liver, lungs and bone. She was posting on the board up until about a month ago. She had planned on going to the conference in Florida this year, but had to back out as she wasn't feeling up to it.

I wish I could have met Cathy in person. But I feel extremely privileged to have known her in any capacity.

Be sure to check the next post for pictures of Cathy. I can't figure out how to put them in this post the way I want.