Tomorrow...

Wow, where has this week gone!! I took the girls to see Harry Potter Friday in 3D--it was good, awesome on the big screen. Only about 15-20 minutes towards the end was in 3D though. I would have liked more of it to be. Luckily I called the other theater before heading over to see the "Weasley Twins". The lady told me you had to buy movie tickets there to see them. Now, wouldn't you think the first guy would have told me that? I thought it was something they were doing separate. So--no pics! Then we ate at the worst Popeye's. We all hardly ate any of our food.

Saturday we took it easy. John was at the races (BIG race weekend). The girls helped me straighten up the house--then we went in the pool for awhile. With the cooler nights, the pool has cooled off a little.

I had to go for my Herceptin Tuesday--the benedryl I have to take beforehand knocks me out!! The last couple of days have been crazy busy--in a good way.

The girls started cheerleading Monday. Off we go again~! I am sharing the team mom with another mom--long story.

Tuesday the girls went to the HP program at the library. They have waited 3 years to be old enough to do this. They seemed to really like it. They were taught some magic tricks, and brought the stuff home to do the tricks. Haley also won the 7th Harry Potter book in a drawing. We have to pick it up after Saturday. Again, they don't know about the blog, so if you say anything to her, tell her I told you.

We will be going up Friday to get the new book-my copy. I'm not sure yet if we will miss cheerleading, or go after. It turns out that half the girls will be gone for the festival in town anyway--so it will be a wasted practice pretty much. I am not going to want to do anything but read this weekend!! I will be sneaking in as much reading as possible. I have about a 100 pages left in my reread of book 6.

I really hope sleep is not an issue tonight. The last few nights, between the storms and the hot flashes, not a whole lot of sleep going on.

Tomorrow I have an appt for another fill. Hopefully we can do both sides. I try to be good--but usually find myself stretching farther than I should and lifting things that maybe I shouldn't. I may be heading up this time myself. Which is really not a big deal. I know John likes to be there with me, but this one is at 5--so he will need to take the girls to cheerleading. The rest I think we'll be okay on.

Well, I am off to take a shower (if the dr says tomorrow that I still can't take a bath-I don't think I am going to listen to her- this is driving me nuts!), and then hopefully to sleep!!

Back From the Doctors

Well---stitches are out. I felt a few little tugs. The stitches were on the inside, so when she pulled them out it felt a little freaky--didn't hurt, just felt weird! The right side was filled, but not the left. There was some fluid in that one that she drained off. I have to take antibiotics once a day-just in case. You can't really tell one was filled and the other not. I made a joke about being lopsided, and she assured me we would catch that side up. I asked how much she filled during surgery, and she said 180cc's. That explains actually having something!!

The bad news--no baths yet!! Which also means no swimming. That's okay--I can still float in the pool. But I was so looking forward to coming home tonight and taking a bath. One more week she said.

Ahhh well.

The Wonders of Sleep...

I actually slept good last night! I can't tell you the last time that has happened! I did wake up once with my shirt drenched--eeeeww! But other than that it was a very restful night. YEAH!!

The night before I didn't get to bed until 3:30--went to see Harry Potter--and still couldn't sleep!

The movie was awesome by the way. I think it is the best one yet. I am taking the girls tomorrow to see it in 3D IMAX at the IMAX in Woodridge. The Phelps boys--aka Weasley twins---are at another theater in Woodridge, we may stop by there too.

Well we are off in a little bit for me to get these stitches out and a fill. Curious to see where that puts me! I am thinking baths and swimming will be allowed after this. I miss my baths. I hate taking showers all the time!!

Oops, mini.., and Harry Potter

First the oops. I was rereading my rant from the last week and realize that what I said about the funeral we attended sounded wrong. When I said that I had no business being there, I meant so soon after surgery. Which is the way I am sure that most of you took it. I went for John, so that he wouldn't have to go by himself. That was my decision.

I actually have mini boobs! I really didn't expect to have anything yet after surgery, then I thought it was the swelling, but they are there. I am curious to see what they look like after this fill. They are mini--but at least I am not concave any more! And I feel like I can go out without the fake boobs. YEAH! I hate those things, and they are hot!! I never wore them around the house, but if I needed to run an errand, or pick up one of the girls, I felt like I needed to put them on.

On the subject of getting things back...my hair is growing!!! Finally! It is fuzzy and hard to see, seems colorless right now, but it is there. Hopefully it will grow fast!! I need to shave my legs too. That hair could have stayed gone! It is softer hair though. I don't believe it can easily be seen.

Tonight at midnight---that is the release of the new Harry Potter movie. I can't wait. Ann and I are going of course. I will take the girls to see the IMAX 3D version. I like to see it first without questions!! I think I will take them this weekend while John is at his races. He has no desire to see HP.

I was planning on going back and rereading book 6 before the last one comes out on the 21rst, but it isn't here. The cover is though, which means someone must have borrowed it. I have no idea who! The libraries are all out of their copies. I may run to Target before the movie tonight and get the paperback.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was hoping to take a nap today so I wouldn't be tired for the movie, but that didn't happen. I did get to sit down and rest though. Maybe that is enough. Or maybe I will see if I can sneak in a nap after dinner.

Warped Mood???

Maybe I am just in a bit of a warped mood today, but I thought this was hilarious!!

After talking....

with some of the girls on the list, I realize what has been going on is normal, part of the process. A few good points made;
*The family is just used to me doing things. They are probably more than willing to help, but need to be asked, or possibly even trained in this area.
*This has effected the whole family-which I realize-they want it to be over. Honestly, nobody wants that more than me, but we have a ways to go yet.

I am actually feeling pretty good. I do get sore and tired if I try to do too much. I have decided that I will do what I feel like, and rest when needed. That is the best for everyone I think. The girls and I straightened up the house yesterday. John had done the laundry Thursday night. That was very helpful. I was planning on doing that yesterday with the girls, but we just had to put it away. Then we got to spend some time in the pool. I have an awesome raft with a back rest and arms on it. I just floated around on that, since I am not really supposed to be in the pool yet. I was a little tired when we got out of the pool, so I relaxed for awhile. I was sore last night too. Maybe did a little too much.

I am back to sleeping in the bed too. The recliner is ok to sleep in for a bit, but I am tired of it. Sleeping in the bed isn't too bad if I have a pillow to hug. But it is kind of funny, I can be completely comfortable when I doze off, and will wake up in the exact same postion, in pain. I don't know if the expanders shift, if the water in them shifts, or what the deal is. I also have a hard time staying asleep b/c one minute I am cold, the next on fire! The chillow I got--I don't know if I set it up right. I will have to ask someone about that. The time I used it started off great--it was nice and cold. Then a few hours later I woke up and it was no longer cool. Everytime I woke up, I was hot and my head was sticking to the pillow case!! I would love it if it stayed cool all night!

Went to see the plastic surgeon Thursday. She is happy with the way everything looks. She changed the tapes. Next week, stitches come out and the first fill. John saw the incision as she was changing tapes and said it looked good.

This has been a dark time on the Young Survival Boards lately. There seems to be a trend of ladies having mets (cancer coming back in another area). This is obviously scary. It can happen to any of us. I am still trying not to worry about it until it happens to me (IF it happens to me--and that is still a big if!). I feel absolutley horrible for these ladies. It is not a death sentence. But it is going back into treatment when you have been finished for awhile, or were almost finished. Someone really needs to find a cure for this crap!

I hope everyone is staying cool in this heat. I think I am going to go float around the pool some more.

Happy 4th!!!

COOL MySpace Comments

One Week Ago Today......

I had my surgery. Of course you might not know that by listening to some people! I warn you this a rant--possibly an incoherent one at that. Not even sure I will post it. Even if I do-- read fast--I may decide to delete it.

Next time I think I will just stay in the hospital for the week. Of course then I will be expected to be doing things the moment I get out! Why is it that the people who live with me seem to forget that I just had a big surgery, when everyone else has no problem remembering? I am so pissed off right now. When John left with the girls, I lost it, broke down a little. Now I am pissed.

Let me start by saying that John has pretty much been super supportive. But this pushing me for my own good crap is really wearing thin. I know he means well, that is why I haven't let it bother me until now. I, of all people know what a positive attitude can do. I don't need someone telling me that (Esp someone that doesn't have one hisself!). What I do need is someone that understands I need time to heal. We have been go-go-going since my last chemo treatment. I normally give myself a couple slower days to help myself recuperate. Well, didn't get that this time. Then I made sure I had stuff done so I wouldn't be worried about it after surgery, and could take time to heal. Yes, other than my chest I feel fine. My chest is tight, heavy and at times sore. Cutting a pizza hurts, wiping off the counter-hurts, scooping ice cream out of the container-hurts, taking a shower, getting dressed, sleeping, hurt, hurt, hurt. That is what I expected, so I have dealt with it, without complaining.

Then this morning John informs me that I need to be up doing more. EXCUSE ME!!!??? If the shoe were on the other foot--I would be waiting on him. I would be sympathetic, even when it got to the point where I thought he was being a big baby. He is trying to tell me I did more by this time after my last surgery---WRONG!! He was at work, I was at home--I know what I did and didn't do. I had all day to rest up before everyone got home, and may have gotten up a bit in the evening. That is it. My mom took the girls and I to the library one day. 10 days after surgery, I went to his mom's for the afternoon. I wanted to see her, she had had surgery not that long ago also. That is all I did before the drains were taken out. Am I not allowed to recover?? I know I play the role of "wonder mom" sometimes, but I do need to heal. Bodies heal faster if they are well rested. I did start doing things around the house too soon last time. I realized that. It was much easier to do it myself, than wait for it to get done, or argue with someone (the girls) to do it. I told myself I wasn't going to do that this time, but it doesn't look like I'll have a choice.

He wanted me to go to his mom and dad's for the picnic today. There is no way I can sit and be social for 12 hours or so! Sitting in a lawn chair, in the heat--not! Why is it that everyone understands this but him? If this were a typical Sunday, and just the family were going to be there, and it was only of 6 hours or so, yes I would have gone. But give me a break! I went to a funeral yesterday that I really had no business going to. I was feeling very nauseous at one point. Of course I didn't say anything. I like the picnics. If I thought I would be able to do it--I would be there.

I guess the thing that gets to me is that I take care of everyone in this house. I need a break/help for a couple of weeks, but that isn't ok? Something is wrong with that picture. I'm sure that is not what they are thinking, but it is how it feels sometimes.

Here is the order to take care of things for me:
1-girls
2-John
3-pets
4-me

The girls order:
The girls

That's it, there is no one else on their list. They are kids after all. Although they are also getting old enough to start putting others on that list.

John's order (or so it seems):
1-the girls
2-John
3-me

I am not saying that he never puts me ahead of himself, he does. I would say this is the list most of the time. And I have learned to except that. I try to bump myself up my list once in awhile. This is one time I thought I would be bumped up every one's list.

I could have been in bed for days following each chemo. Alot of people are, luckily I wasn't one. I could be whining and moaning about every little pain--I don't. I keep ALOT to myself. Maybe that is my problem. Maybe if I voiced every little thing I would be understood more.

John went with to my general dr for the pre surgery check up. I had mentioned to the dr that I was having a hard time sleeping. I did tell him I didn't want any pills for it yet (an easy way out), I wanted to see if it would work itself out. He told me that walking during the day may help. Well, that was thrown back at me this morning. "Didn't the dr say you should be walking?" Well, I don't believe he meant after major surgery. My boobs (and there are little ones there) are extremely heavy feeling. The longer I stand or walk, they feel like they are pulling towards my feet. They are still swollen after all. Activity leads to water retention. I'm not saying I don't need to lose weight--I do. The walking would be good for that and possibly the insomnia. Haley and I went for a walk Saturday night--4 days after surgery. We went around the block. We got back and John asks why we didn't go again.

I am also tired of having to ask the girls 5+ times to do something. The first day home they jumped right up. Now we are already back to the "I'll do it later---maybe" attitude.

Do I plan on staying in the recliner for a month. NO.
Do I plan on letting my body have the time it needs to heal from all of this crap-YES!
I will even let my mind/emotions have some time to heal. They aren't yet. Just b/c treatment is over, it doesn't mean I just flip back to the old normal. No, there is a new normal out there for me and I need to find it, and be at peace with it. I have kept everything pretty much inside since all of this started. The blog has been an outlet, but there is way more that was never touched on. Some of this may end up showing itself before I am able to move on.

If you have read this far--thank you for listening. You know that I normally don't go off much. I was really hurt and sad earlier, then mad. Writing this has helped me get it out.

One the Road.....

...to getting back to myself.

Surgery went fine Wednesday. I did still react to the anesthesia, but no where near as bad as last time!! The dr had said while I was in recovery that I could go home. I knew I was not ready though. I wasn't able to keep any pain meds down, and though I was hungry (that didn't hit until 2 am last time) I couldn't keep the food down either. During the night I was able to keep jello and sherbet down, so my stomach did get better. We were home by 10-10:30 on Thursday.

I have pretty much been living in the recliner. That is the only place that I am comfortable to sleep right now. It is easier to get up too.

Oh, and the really great thing---no drains!! I was prepared for two. I had four after the last surgery. So when it dawned on me that I didn't have any--it was a very pleasant surprise!! I had even gotten my fanny pack down, thinking that if I went somewhere maybe I could somewhat hide the drains in there.

I go Thursday for a post op, then the following week to get stitches out and begin filling. She did fill a little bit when she put them in. I actually have small boobs now--instead of an indent! Part of it is swelling though. I am currently walking like a football player or Quasimodo--I can't decide which.

I am actually getting around pretty good. Haley and I went for a walk last night. We passed a group of younger boys--Haley said she thinks they laughed at me. I explained to her that what a bunch of young hoodlums thought really didn't matter to me!!

If I try to do too much, I get sore. I don't try to lift or reach. But if I am up and about too much I get tired and sore. I have to remember that my body needs rest so it can concentrate on healing, and not getting an infection. (Which I am taking antibiotics for just in case).

I want to say Thank You! To everyone that has helped, visited and brought food by. I (we) really do appreciate it.

I am actually a little excited. I am on the road to normal again.(Now I just need the darn hair to grow!!) I have told pretty much everyone that I am going to get something out of this. I had to go through all this crap--I deserve something. Bigger, perkier boobs is a start!! Ooops. I guess that might have been too much for some.