One Week Ago Today......

I had my surgery. Of course you might not know that by listening to some people! I warn you this a rant--possibly an incoherent one at that. Not even sure I will post it. Even if I do-- read fast--I may decide to delete it.

Next time I think I will just stay in the hospital for the week. Of course then I will be expected to be doing things the moment I get out! Why is it that the people who live with me seem to forget that I just had a big surgery, when everyone else has no problem remembering? I am so pissed off right now. When John left with the girls, I lost it, broke down a little. Now I am pissed.

Let me start by saying that John has pretty much been super supportive. But this pushing me for my own good crap is really wearing thin. I know he means well, that is why I haven't let it bother me until now. I, of all people know what a positive attitude can do. I don't need someone telling me that (Esp someone that doesn't have one hisself!). What I do need is someone that understands I need time to heal. We have been go-go-going since my last chemo treatment. I normally give myself a couple slower days to help myself recuperate. Well, didn't get that this time. Then I made sure I had stuff done so I wouldn't be worried about it after surgery, and could take time to heal. Yes, other than my chest I feel fine. My chest is tight, heavy and at times sore. Cutting a pizza hurts, wiping off the counter-hurts, scooping ice cream out of the container-hurts, taking a shower, getting dressed, sleeping, hurt, hurt, hurt. That is what I expected, so I have dealt with it, without complaining.

Then this morning John informs me that I need to be up doing more. EXCUSE ME!!!??? If the shoe were on the other foot--I would be waiting on him. I would be sympathetic, even when it got to the point where I thought he was being a big baby. He is trying to tell me I did more by this time after my last surgery---WRONG!! He was at work, I was at home--I know what I did and didn't do. I had all day to rest up before everyone got home, and may have gotten up a bit in the evening. That is it. My mom took the girls and I to the library one day. 10 days after surgery, I went to his mom's for the afternoon. I wanted to see her, she had had surgery not that long ago also. That is all I did before the drains were taken out. Am I not allowed to recover?? I know I play the role of "wonder mom" sometimes, but I do need to heal. Bodies heal faster if they are well rested. I did start doing things around the house too soon last time. I realized that. It was much easier to do it myself, than wait for it to get done, or argue with someone (the girls) to do it. I told myself I wasn't going to do that this time, but it doesn't look like I'll have a choice.

He wanted me to go to his mom and dad's for the picnic today. There is no way I can sit and be social for 12 hours or so! Sitting in a lawn chair, in the heat--not! Why is it that everyone understands this but him? If this were a typical Sunday, and just the family were going to be there, and it was only of 6 hours or so, yes I would have gone. But give me a break! I went to a funeral yesterday that I really had no business going to. I was feeling very nauseous at one point. Of course I didn't say anything. I like the picnics. If I thought I would be able to do it--I would be there.

I guess the thing that gets to me is that I take care of everyone in this house. I need a break/help for a couple of weeks, but that isn't ok? Something is wrong with that picture. I'm sure that is not what they are thinking, but it is how it feels sometimes.

Here is the order to take care of things for me:
1-girls
2-John
3-pets
4-me

The girls order:
The girls

That's it, there is no one else on their list. They are kids after all. Although they are also getting old enough to start putting others on that list.

John's order (or so it seems):
1-the girls
2-John
3-me

I am not saying that he never puts me ahead of himself, he does. I would say this is the list most of the time. And I have learned to except that. I try to bump myself up my list once in awhile. This is one time I thought I would be bumped up every one's list.

I could have been in bed for days following each chemo. Alot of people are, luckily I wasn't one. I could be whining and moaning about every little pain--I don't. I keep ALOT to myself. Maybe that is my problem. Maybe if I voiced every little thing I would be understood more.

John went with to my general dr for the pre surgery check up. I had mentioned to the dr that I was having a hard time sleeping. I did tell him I didn't want any pills for it yet (an easy way out), I wanted to see if it would work itself out. He told me that walking during the day may help. Well, that was thrown back at me this morning. "Didn't the dr say you should be walking?" Well, I don't believe he meant after major surgery. My boobs (and there are little ones there) are extremely heavy feeling. The longer I stand or walk, they feel like they are pulling towards my feet. They are still swollen after all. Activity leads to water retention. I'm not saying I don't need to lose weight--I do. The walking would be good for that and possibly the insomnia. Haley and I went for a walk Saturday night--4 days after surgery. We went around the block. We got back and John asks why we didn't go again.

I am also tired of having to ask the girls 5+ times to do something. The first day home they jumped right up. Now we are already back to the "I'll do it later---maybe" attitude.

Do I plan on staying in the recliner for a month. NO.
Do I plan on letting my body have the time it needs to heal from all of this crap-YES!
I will even let my mind/emotions have some time to heal. They aren't yet. Just b/c treatment is over, it doesn't mean I just flip back to the old normal. No, there is a new normal out there for me and I need to find it, and be at peace with it. I have kept everything pretty much inside since all of this started. The blog has been an outlet, but there is way more that was never touched on. Some of this may end up showing itself before I am able to move on.

If you have read this far--thank you for listening. You know that I normally don't go off much. I was really hurt and sad earlier, then mad. Writing this has helped me get it out.