One Down..Seven to Go....

Well yesterday was the first chemo. What a day. I'm not really sure where to begin. I was having a real tough time with it yesterday. I couldn't really calm down. Everytime I stopped crying something else would trigger it again. And I am not one to cry in front of family, let alone strangers!! My blood pressure was 128 over 88, which I know isn't bad, but I am normally around 118/77.

I meant to post this earlier for those of you that I knew would be checking, I just couldn't!

All I could think of to begin with yesterday is that I was giving them permission to;
1~Shoot poison into my veins
2~Let them make my hair fall out
3~Let them make me tired
4~Make my food taste/smell funny
5~Possibly let them cause me nausea, dry mouth, mouth sores, constipation or diarrhea
6~Steal a few days to a week out of each month for the next 4 months.

This seems like a really stupid thing to do! Esp. since they are fairly certain that they got everything with the surgery, this is just a precaution. But, I guess in the long run it is worth it.

Besides my freaking out, the next bad thing was the headache. I was getting a migraine. And I let it go too far before I asked if I could take anything. My headaches can cause nausea. So b/c of the headache, and not really eating alot for breakfast, I was nauseous before chemo even started. I don't recommend that! The actual chemo infusion was fairly uneventful. I was in at 9 for blood work. That took almost an hour to get back (more stress out time). Then the dr came in and talked for a couple of minutes. Then came the anti-nausea med and steroid in the IV. Then we had to wait for the pharmacy to send up the chemo meds. The first was the Cytoxan--that was a drip through the IV that took about a half hour I think. Then came the Adriamyxin (the red devil)-that was put into the IV through a shot. Maybe took 20 minutes. So other than the waiting, it didn't really take too long. We were out of there by 1.

The ride home I was feeling queasy on. Luckily the nurse had called the prescription in, and we didn't have to wait too long to pick it up. I took one right away and laid down on the couch. At first I just had a little bit of a headache and was tired. Then I got nauseous. I ate a couple of crackers about 3, Peanut butter and Jelly toast about 4. That was basically it. Oh, and about 4 more crackers around 8. I didn't want my belly completely empty, sometimes that can make it worse. I did have to fight the urge to throw up for a good 3-4 hours. Luckily I won!! I do know from the girls on the list is that the best thing you can do is "drink and pee". Gets it all out of your system. I had that down before chemo even started!! And it does work. The Red Devil makes you pee red. I didn't have a full out red b/c it was so diluted. The orangeish/pink I had was gone by about 3:30, and was back to clear by 5:30. (I know TMI for some!) I was taking the Zofran (anti nausea med) every 8 hours. Can take 1 every 8-12 hours as needed.

I was able to avoid puking for 2 reasons. One, sheer will power. The other, that John and the girls took care of themselves, and I didn't have to do anything.

Today I woke up ok. A little constipated. And I feel like I have a hangover (without having had the fun the night before!). But at least it is not too bad and I am able to function today. Took the Zofran every 12 hours today. Thought about not taking it tonight, but was kind of afraid to stop so soon! Hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

I had to go for my Nuelasta shot today. Since I am doing the chemo every 2 weeks, I have to get this shot. It brings your white blood cell count back up faster. Normally after chemo, your body reaches a low at around 14 days, then comes back up by the 21rst and your next infusion. So, if you are doing dose dense (DD-every 2 weeks) then you have to have the shot to have those counts back up by the 14th day. It can cause bone pain. Which makes sense, since your blood cells are made in your spine. My blood pressure was still a little high for me, I think 122/80.

The nurse asked how I was yesterday and how I was doing today. I told her. I also told her if I only have to do 1 day of totally down, I guess that isn't so bad. I would rather not have any days where I am totally out though.

Hopefully next time will be even better. I will not be as stressed, I hope. Therefor no headache/nausea ahead of time. So maybe I won't be down and out. I really did not expect to be sick yesterday. I thought it would take a couple of days to hit. And maybe I am a little egotistical. I didn't think I would get that sick. Not sure why I would be so much better than anyone else! I guess my thinking kind of was that when I was pregnant with the girls, I was nauseous twice, never sick. And twin pregnancies are supposed to be worse for that. So logically I should be stronger than that! Boy was I wrong!

There is a girl on the YSC list that is doing the same chemo, same schedule as me. It was funny that today we posted our results from yesterday within a minute of each other! She was fine until about 8 pm. And is better today.

Next go around is March 12.

I actually started writing this this morning, but was distracted a few times. Then when I came back around 7 to finish up, the site was down. It is now 10:45. Off to bed I go!

One down, seven to go.......

Oh Boy...

This has been a busy weekend!! The girls have enjoyed themselves though, that is what counts. I wanted their birthday to be normal, and I think it was.

They cleaned up at the family party last night. They both claim they are going to save their money. We'll see how long that lasts. Jenna is saving for a video recorder. Haley was going to save for a trampoline, but we told them that part of their present was a trampoline they will get when the weather is warmer.

The oh boy in the title refers to my mood today. I am sore (still), tired, have a cold, and of course freaking out about chemo tomorrow. I was ok with it. Had made my peace with the hair loss issue, but now that it is close, am freaking out again. That is such an obvious sign (the hair loss)! The having no boobs I have kind of covered up with big sweat shirts (although I need a few more, I am wearing the same thing over and over). But the hair loss, harder to hide. Yes, I can get a wig, but am afraid how fake that will look. Which it will with those who know me, b/c I am not getting one to match my current hair.

As for the boob situation...(possibly TMI for some)I got another set of fake boobs. These are the real light weight poly filled things. Not the rubber things. I will probably go ahead and get a pair, don't know that I will necessarily need them, as it will only be about 6-8 months before the new boobs, but insurance pays for them. Anyway, these new boobs are more natural shaped, triangular as opposed to big footballs minus the points on the ends. I wore them to Haley's gymnastics class earlier this week. Didn't pin them to my bra though, and at one point I looked down and seen one of them trying to escape! Hopefully I am the only one to notice. Ever try to put your boob back in without drawing attention?? I don't recommend it! It was only halfway out of the bra, not out of my shirt so that is a plus. Next time I will pin it. It still feels so fake though. Just b/c those who know me, know that there is nothing there. I know there is nothing there. But I guess I should get used to wearing them. I want to start wearing some of my other clothes, and don't want to do that flat chested. I guess the sooner I start wearing them the sooner I will get used to it and maybe not be so self conscious. And family will be used to seeing me with them. Not sure what that matters, but that is part of what makes it feel so fake for me is that others know it is fake. Screwy thinking huh??

As for chemo tomorrow, I am wondering how I will react to it. Not overly concerned, will just have to see what happens. That all of this even has to happen is bothering me. They did tell me the first couple of times they use the port it may burn, not looking forward to that. Also the damn thing still hurts, is uncomfortable, and just plain bugs me! So the idea that they are going to be poking around at it, at least twice (blood work ,chemo) does not thrill me in the least!! And of course the hair thing. That bothers me. Gee, if the fake boobs bother me, how am I gonna handle fake hair. The nurse said she can write me a prescription for a wig. I forget how they have to word it. Something about a cranial prosthesis I think. This is to get insurance to pay for it. When I called and asked about a wig, they said no. When I get her wording, I will call again. Of course the store wouldn't deal with ins. so I would have to pay for it and submit it myself. I have looked online and there are some cute ones. I will have to go to a wig store to get fitted and see them in person though!

On another note, my mom sent me this link today--it is too cute!! Click here

Sleepover....

I know you are never supposed to say never. But this is NOT happening again. I just don't have the patience for it. One friend each, two at the most from now on!! It is sad to say, but I am just not into their birthday this year.

The party at Cindy's shop went good. They got all eight girls done in an hour!! Up do's, toes and fingers painted. Then we had pizza, cake and opened presents in the next hour. I can't believe how fast it all went by. We were back here by 8:30.

The girls played back in the rooms until 10 or so. The going to sleep part is what I have trouble with. Our house is not made with sleepovers in mind. One of our bedroom walls is shared with the family room, and when the tv is on, you can hear it. This is the only time I really wish we had a basement!! Then I could either put all of them in there, or I could go hide in there. I was in my "reading room" with my Mp3 player blasted in my ear, and could still hear them. There were a couple that talked until way late, even though they claimed to be watching a movie. Apparently they didn't know how to whisper. (one of these was mine). They kept turning the tv up b/c they couldn't hear it. One of the girls has to have a fan to fall asleep. I tried to explain that if they left the fan off until after the movie, they would be able to hear better. But of course I don't know anything. AArrrrgh!!! I finally got my pillows and went into Haley's room with the door closed. I managed to dose off for a bit. When I got up I turned off the tv and went to my bed. Then, someone was up at 6:30!! I didn't expect that! They all seem to be having fun. I am just a bear if I don't get enough sleep. Add to that I am coming down with a cold, and am still sore from this damn port!! Not a good combination!!

A half hour to silence!! Then I get to finish getting things ready for the family party. I really hope it isn't a long one, or that I get a nap! Although John wants to go shopping for the girls to get them more! As if a basketball hoop isn't enough!! I did get them a pair of jeans each. I know where he is coming from, but they have so much already, and are bound to get more tonight! Well, maybe if we can find one more thing (quickly) that will be good. The other option is to take them on a mini shopping spree.

Off to finish up cakes and clean the house back up!!

Sore

Well, after I signed off here yesterday, I had to go lay down! I was not feeling well at all. Never got sick, just felt queasy. About all I did yesterday was sleep. Where they put the port in is sore too. I have been taking the Vicadin, although more like every 12 hours. And when I got up this morning, it didn't hurt so much, so I didn't take one. That was a mistake! I had a lot of running to do to get ready for the girls' birthday. The driving really hurts!! I was driving with my left hand as much as possible. After I got home and finished some things up, I took a vic, and sat down for an hour. I also iced the area. Which I was supposed to be doing for 48 hours after surgery. 30 minutes on, 30 off, except when sleeping. I completely forgot. So did John!! And he is the one that signed the paperwork that said it!! Oh well. I have been icing it on and off now. Probably too late, but maybe not.

I really think I need to have my head examined for agreeing to a sleepover tomorrow. That is bound to be a sleepless night. I'm not real big on the whole sleepover thing anyway. We'll see how it goes.

I need to get my letter written for the Relay for life. This is the letter I email or send people to get donations. I would like to get them sent out now before people get hit by anyone else!

My meatloaf is almost done, so I best go make the sides. One of my goals is to get this blog updated a little. Like adding pictures and links. Hopefully I can do this soon. If you have any links you would like me to put on here, email them to me.

Thanks Brittney, and the Funk...

Sorry it has been a little while folks. Just didn't feel like posting. Kind of like when I don't feel like talking!! You will notice me disappear from time to time. But I will be back!! Don't think anything bad has happened, I may just be taking a break.

The time I have been on the computer lately, I have trying to get back into the swing of work. Once I see how chemo goes I will be better able to plan my schedule. Hopefully it won't be bad, other than going bald!

That brings me to Ms. Brittney. I am not a fan of hers--I think she has/had potential, but that she is heading down the wrong path now. But, maybe her shaving her head will make it "in style" to be bald. Not too long before I will be! So for that, thank you Brittney. The comments some of her so called fans are making though. One reportedly said something to the effect of "who told her the coked out cancer patient look is in?" Thanks! Some people should really think before they open their mouths!

I was in a terrible funk Monday and yesterday,until after surgery. I couldn't seem to shake it. I needed a good cry I think, which I couldn't manage to do until we were on the way to the hospital. John of course was being supportive, trying to point out the positive. I finally snapped a little and told him that I am normally positive and he knows that, that I am gonna have off days. I think surgery just scares me to death!! Even though this was just out patient. I think what freaks me out most is the lack of control. They put you out and could be doing anything to you. I am sick of surgery already, and I'm not even halfway through! The next one should be about 4 months out though.

Surgery went well, they put the port in for chemo. I am very sore in that spot, I have been taking the vicadin for that. I plan on taking it easy today. I was home by 3:30 yesterday. They put me into a "twilight", which is out, but not asleep. Although I did fall asleep. They also give you something so you don't remember what happens. That is probably why I can't remember them waking me up. I know I was talking to the nurse that wheeled me out of there, but can't remember what I said.

Susie emailed me the other day to tell me she is planning on doing the 3 day walk in Chicago in my honor. She has talked Jenny into it too. That is a lot of money to raise!! Their team goal is $5000! It is incredibly sweet of them. And how appropriate that the walk is on my birthday weekend!! Once they get their web pages done, I will post them here. I will also post the Relay for Life pages.

Susie and Jenny were talking about this Saturday Night Live skit that was on this past week. Junior went to find it on You Tube, so I watched too. I is pretty darn funny. Some people may not like it, might find it offensive. If that is you, don't click the link!! If however you would like a good chuckle, check it out!!!

Oh--almost forgot. They slathered some blue crap on me yesterday, so I look like I am turning into a smurf. Well I told the girls this is something b/c of the surgery and that they said it would only get worse. That probably by this weekend my whole face would be blue! Now remember, we have the kids party on Friday and the family one on Saturday for their birthday. Haley just kind of shrugged, like oh well. Jenna said that then she would be called the daughter of a smurf!! I kept it going until this morning. Then I told them the truth!! I was fun to tease them like that though!

Well, I am actually feeling a little sick to my stomach now, so I am going to go lay down for a bit.

My Weekend

Ok, over did it again today, so sore and tired. This won't be a long post, but I wanted to let you know what my surprise was this past weekend.

We dropped the girls off at Grandma's, they were set to have their own fun for the weekend. When we got back in the car I asked John how long of a drive we were in for. He said about 2 1/2 hours! OK, we had already picked up an I Pass, so I knew we were headed North, must be Wisconsin, but where?? We ended up in Oconomowoc (go ahead and try to say it!!! I dare you!). There is a gorgeous bed and breakfast there called the Inn at Pine Terrace.
I was going to post my pics here--and may still, but figured the website has awesome pictures!! We were in room 16. It was absolutely beautiful! The house was awesome. I love older homes!! I was walking around this one saying that I can't imagine living like that. Then we find out it was just the original builders' SUMMER home!! Wow! We had dinner at a restaurant on the lake, and then stopped in an Irish pub for a few drinks. It was a wonderful day/evening.

The next morning, had to try out the jacuzzi tub, then off to breakfast. Breakfast souffle' and something chocolate. It tasted like a muffin, but was shaped like a mini bundt cake. We met the owner-found out they have only had the place for about 4 months. Then it was time to leave--already!! I did the touristy thing and took pics. I needed this weekend. Needed a break from everything, and this was perfect!

We picked up the girls (after staying to chat for awhile) and I think everyone crashed but me! I didn't manage to fall asleep until 2:30 am, even though I really couldn't sleep the night before (and I'm not sure why--the bed was comfy!!).

Yesterday I met Susie and B at the house they are buying so that the home inspector could do his thing. Michael followed the inspector around while Susie and I chatted and I got to play with Ceci. She is so darn cute! I was carrying her around half the time though, without thinking about it. Later, I was a little sore and realized she is probably over my lifting limit right now--oops!

Today the girls had a snow day. I had nothing planned--wanted to relax after all the activity lately, so I didn't mind and took a snow day too. The girls tried to shovel the drive for John, but it was too deep. Poor John got home from work and had to shovel. He isn't feeling good either, so this really sucked for him. I was looking for his snow boots for him, I never did find them. I know I put them up because they don't get used that much, this is probably the first time in a couple of years he has needed them. While looking I went in the crawl space (shouldn't have, have to lift my own body weight to get back out), and the attic (again a no-no, lift arms too high to get the door down). So I am extremely sore right now. I believe I will be taking a Vicadin tonight.

Off to watch "Dirt". Have you seen this?? Very different, some strange elements to it(like the guy who thinks the dead star is his girlfriend!), but I like it!!

Ups and Downs....

Well, today started out with me giggling to myself, and ended with me frustrated.

This first part might be too much info for some, if so, skip to the next paragraph!! I had some running to do this morning. While I was getting dressed I realized I hadn't tried out the "softee" boobs I got while at the hospital. I can't use a prosthesis yet. Probably wouldn't ever bother if it wasn't for the fact that insurance pays for them. But I have to wait a few weeks until all the swelling goes down to get fitted. So....ANYWAY...I put the softee ones into the camisole they came with and I couldn't help giggling!! They are big!!! And to me they just look so silly! John said they didn't look bad. To me you can tell they are fake. They move around some. They are comfortable though. So I decided to wear them out on my errands. They are great cushioning against the seat belt. Everytime I looked down, or thought about it, I giggled to myself. Now I had on a big sweater and my coat--so I am sure nobody could tell. But I was amusing myself.

The morning and early afternoon were fine. Then I just got in this mode where everything was bothering me. And I didn't feel like talking to anyone about anything. Esp. not the "c" word (minds out of the gutter!) I feel sometimes like I should tape myself and just play the tape over and over. Haley gets this. I was talking to her about it on the way to gymnastics and told her there is more to me than the cancer. She says (in her almost 10 year old wisdom) "Yeah, you have kids, a family, a life". Gee... she gets it!! This blog is my place to get all that out. I don't want to repeat it all the time, or talk about only that. I'm tired of the sympathetic looks. I WILL BE FINE! Sometimes I wish people didn't know, so I can be treated like I was before all of this. I do appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I KNOW people are just concerned. That is what makes it hard for me to say, I don't want to talk about it today. I also don't want to talk about it in public. I am a very private person (again--why the online blog--huh??) and don't like everyone knowing my business. I don't need or want someone that I don't know, or barely know to hear how I feel after having my boobs hacked off! I don't think it is anyone's business when reconstruction will be done and what will be done. Other than my family and friends. I don't want people overhearing conversations that they may feel they are entitled to join. Does all that make any sense?? Off my soapbox now!

TMI Warning--skip to next paragraph---
Yesterday, I did too much. I forgot to ask Dr. B. if I can lift anything yet. I stopped at Jewel yesterday and was lifting the bags and such. I was SORE last night! My appt. Wednesday, Dr. B. took out the rest of the staples. He also wrote me a prescription for fake boobs!! Can you believe it?? A prescription for boobs. And Bras. Who would have thought!!!

We also set up the appt to get my port (for chemo) put in. That will happen on the 20th. It is out patient, should take around 4 hours total. He said they make you take a "nap". So anesthesia is involved, but it isn't supposed to be as bad. They don't put the tube down your throat and such. I am wondering if part of my problem wasn't that I was fighting to wake up so bad. Maybe if I would have let my body do it's thing, it would have been better.

Well, I need to get the girls to bed so I can go to sleep. I made the mistake of staying up last night to watch "your the one that I want" on Bravo. I had no interest in the show to begin with, but got sucked in. Now I may have to watch the new ones on NBC to find out who wins. And tomorrow I find out what the big surprise is! YEAH!!! So I need to get some sleep!

Please understand....

I have yet to "release" this blog to friends and family. I do have it in my sig line on the YSC boards, but haven't told anyone else about it. I probably should. It would save me having to repeat myself quite so often. I know everyone cares and I know you all just want to know that I am doing ok. I appreciate that, I really do. What I am hoping everyone can understand, is that sometimes, I get so sick of talking about cancer, and where I am with things. It seems like that is all I talk about anymore! I am so much more than that.

So, I am thinking I need to really make this blog public so I can keep everyone updated, without repeating myself. And then we can get on to talking about other things.

I'm not saying to never ask. Just if you do, and I don't want to talk about it, please, please understand! Or if I don't return your phone call right away--it is probably a day I am not wanting to talk about it.

I truly hope you understand! I love you all, and appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. As well as the offers of help ( and those I have taken up on those offers).

Thank you for understanding!!!

What is going on??

Ok. I knew something was up. The date was being mentioned way too often. Then I was told not to plan anything for Feb 10th. Well, as that is only 3 weeks out from surgery--not a problem! Now yesterday, John says don't plan anything Saturday or Sunday?? Hmmmm....I started out thinking some kind of get together with family. But 2 days?? Has to be an overnite. Where?? I could probably pump the girls for info, but wouldn't do that to them. Trying to figure it out is fun too. One concern I do have is if I will have to dress up. I will have to ask John at least that much. I don't think I have anything that I can dress up in that is going to be very flattering with no chest. I don't have falsies yet,haven't really decided if I want to even mess with them. If insurance pays, I guess it wouldn't hurt.

We were watching a movie this weekend with a somewhat flat chested actress. John made the comment that I look about like her now. I told him that I was just thinking the same thing, but didn't want to say it because it sounds rude!!

It is so freaking cold!!! I cannot warm up!! John was sent home from work yesterday b/c of the cold. So he went to lunch with mom and I, and then to my follow up with my primary care dr. I knew it would be pretty much a waste of time. He asked how I was doing and listened to my heart and lungs. He also suggested a flu shot since I will be starting chemo. Oh yeah!! So I got that yesterday too.

Wondering about these drs thermometers also. The plastic surgeon's had me at 100.6, and I felt fine. (I thought she said 106, but that couldn't be it. They would have been alarmed about that.) I got home, and took it, mine said 98 and I was a little wore out. Yesterday, they tell me I have a slight fever, 99, I get home and it is 98.4. And I took it on 2 different thermometers that time. Must be the difference of taking it in the ear? I usually have a lower temp. 98.3 is about my norm.

Susie and B (sister-in-law and brother-in-law) found a new house!! They are buying this one and selling their current one through me. Luckily, a colleague of mine (Linda Hentsch) has generously offered to help out. She has been awesome. I am so happy for Susie and B. I think they will really be happy with this house.

Not feeling the greatest today. Just kind of blah... and uncomfortable. Probably since we have been on the go since Friday. I should relax a bit before the girls get home.