Long Day!!

Well yesterday was a long one for me!!! Showers wear me out--which is really sad to say, but true. I needed one though. Had my post op appointment with the dr, and since I have not been able to use deodorant since surgery, I start smelling pretty quick! So that wore me out.

Then off to the drs office. Got the drains out--YEAH!! And he said I could start using deodorant again. He numbed around where the drains went in before he pulled them. I'm glad. It was a little uncomfortable, I can only imagine if I hadn't been numbed! One of them on the left was a little difficult to get out. I was sore in my upper chest afterwards. I am thinking that must be where the end of it was. I am SO glad I didn't know what the end of the drains looked like before he pulled!! They were a little bigger than I thought! He also took out half the staples. John was checking out the staples he pulled. I know he was curious as to what they looked like. He also gave us the path report--which had just come in that morning.

Right side (side I found lump on)--tumor size 2.1 cm, clear margins (meaning they got it all),stage 2B (I think it is automatically a 2 if tumor is over 2 cm.), Er/pr,her2 negative. This means it wasn't fed by hormones or proteins.

Left side-tumor size .9 cm, DCIS throughout (I was told this is precancerous, the very beginnings),clear margins, Stage 1, Er/pr negative, her2 positive (does feed off certain proteins).

Originally we thought both side were triple negative. I kind of wish it would have stayed that way.

I have to go back next Wednesday to get the rest of the staples out. He'll also write a prescription for a prosthesis then.

We had time before my oncs appointment, so John and I went and had some lunch. Then back to the Medical Center.

The dr said if you looked at each side separately, the left wouldn't warrant chemo on it's own. And the right would be arguable. But, because of my age, chemo is a safeguard. I will be doing 4 rounds of AC-a combo drug, names Adriamycin and Cytoxan. Then 4 rounds of Tax (Taxol). While doing the Tax, I will also start herceptin, the new cancer wonder drug for her2 positive folks. This I would not have had to take if I would have truly been triple negative on both sides. The herceptin lasts for a year (every 3 weeks). It supposedly doesn't really affect you. It is so targeted you don't have the normal chemo side effects. My hair will start growing back on it, and it doesn't affect how you heal, so I should be able to start reconstruction after I am done with the Tax. I will confirm this with my Plastic Surgeon on Friday. Puts treatment longer than I thought, but what can I do?? The AC and tax is what I will lose my hair on, and have the other typical symptoms with. The last Tax should be June 4 if I calculated right. I had the choice to do dose dense (DD)--every 2 weeks, or every 3 weeks. John and I talked about this, and I am going to start with the DD, if that doesn't work, I'll go to every 3 weeks. That puts me with the last Tax on August 13. I would rather get it done. I start all this on Feb. 26th. I could have started a week earlier, but since I don't know how I will react, I wanted to wait until after the girls' birthday. So, from what I have heard from others, approx. 15 days after that, the hair will start coming out. The nurse said she can write me a prescription for a cranial prosthesis!! Fancy name for a wig--but that is how you have to write it for insurance.

The nurse showed us around the chemo area after our appointment. It is in the drs office. She also gave us a lot of literature to read, as well as showed us a port. This is a device I will have implanted under my skin to make all the chemo and blood draws easier on me and my veins. I will have to talk to Dr. B. about this at my appt, next Wednesday. I hope that I do not have to be put out for it!!! Not up for that.

I was a little bummed out that chemo is going to take longer than I thought, because of the herceptin. But if it keeps me cancer free, it is worth it.

Then I had the Relay for Life kick off meeting. Luckily it was an open house. John and the girls came with to Ann's, then Ann and I went to the meeting. I met the wonderful lady I talked to last month about Dr. Semba. It was nice to meet her in person. Although, I have to admit I was pretty wore out by then. And a little sore.

John wanted me to try to sleep in the bed since the drains were out. I tried,I might have dosed off for an hour or so. But my sides had huge wads of gauze where the drain holes were, and that was like trying to sleep on something. Not quite as hard as a rock--but not comfortable! I ended up going back out to the recliner. I had to make some big movements to try and get comfy, and I kept waking John up.

I am tired today. I did a little running, emailed and called some people to let them know how things went. Now I need to sit down and relax!!

Overwhelming....

The love, support, and help that has come our way this week is overwhelming! I am truly an extremely lucky person to have such an awesome support system around me!
I have received so many flower arrangements and cards this week. The house smells wonderful!! And looks like a floral shop! John has been keeping them all watered for me. The cards I have set out so that I can see them all the time.

My mom took off work this week and was here Monday-Thursday. I'm sure that wasn't a blast for her. The girls got out of school early Wednesday, so mom took us to the library--just to get out! She also got me an MP3 player loaded with some audio books. I have had several other visitors, my girlfriend Cindy, SIL Jennifer and nephew Jack, SIL Ann and nephew Ethan, and sister Michelle, just to name a few.
And food!! We are set for food for a little while!! I have a few things people brought over early, and my neighbor Ann had set up meals for the week. It is such a treat to have hot delicious meals dropped off at your door. John says I should go in the hospital more often.

Yesterday we ventured out to John's mom's. It was nice to get out. I was a little sore when we got back though. Matt and Melissa stopped by with their girls for a visit last night. Oh, and before we left yesterday, John and Haley cleaned the house! I have a hard time sitting watching someone else do my stuff!! Which is probably why I have never really given the girls chores. Mom wanted to do laundry for me. We started it Wednesday, and were going to finish Thursday, but I managed to get it done. I can't see having her do my laundry when she has her own to do.
Today, Cindy, Jeff and their girls came by. They brought pizza from Cemeno's. See, spoiled!!!

I am still sore. Down to taking the pain pills once every 8-12 hours. Still having to sleep in the recliner. Hoping the drains come out Tuesday. I am not draining a lot, but it hasn't dropped much either.

Thank you to everyone!!! You have made this ordeal much more bareable!

Home From Hospital

Well I am home from my surgery. Feeling sore, but so glad to be home. The biggest pain is these drains, I have 4!! They haven't been draining that much so I thought I would get them off fairly quickly. WRONG!! Not til my post op appointment on the 30th!
Thursday (18th) was a tough day. Very emotional. I couldn't seem to keep it together. I took something to help me sleep a little before 9. So luckily I got a good nights sleep. Friday morning we took some pics of the old boobs. We didn't need to be there until 8:30, which means we were here when the girls got up. This was a little hard on me. I was just so freaking out about this surgery! When we got to the hospital, they took us straight back to where they were doing the dye. Very nice man (not sure what his actual title is)that was taking care of us. John got to stay with me for a little while, when things were being explained, then he went back out to the waiting room. Dr. Brockman came in and shot the dye in me. 4 shots per boob! Ouch! Then we had to wait about 20 minutes or so to take the pictures. This procedure was to find the sentinal nodes. This is the first node that any cancer cells would have had to travel to. If they are clean, the cancer has not gotten into the lymph nodes. They find all this out while you are still on the table so they know whether they need to take any more nodes right then. Well the nodes showed up on the pics very clearly-I saw them. Next it was out to the waiting room until prep time at 11. I was doing ok in the waiting room, but once she came back to get me, I started tearing up. Of course we were at the back of the waiting room, so I have to walk past all of these people ready to break down. Once I get into the gown and they get the IV in my hand, they let John come back. By this point I am totally freaking out. Scared to death!! They gave me happy juice twice--I don't think it worked!! Once they started wheeling me towards the OR I was having a real hard time with it. I freaked out until I passed out. Next thing I knew they were trying to wake me up. I do remember the dr saying it all went well and the nodes were clear. He says I gave him the thumbs up sign, I don't remember that.
As they wheeled me into recovery, I noticed it was almost 4. I had thought I would be in my room by 4. I was fighting so hard to wake up and just couldn't. I was also extremely sick!! The dr came in again to check on me and told me again the nodes were clear. I remember hearing him talking to the nurses, not what they were saying, just that there was a conversation. The anesthesia must have won out again, b/c I was in and out of it until about 6. Then we were moving to my room. That ride made me even sicker. They stopped and got the family on the way too. I really didn't want anyone seeing me like that, esp. not the girls. Although my mom says I managed to pull it together for them, and give them a smile and such.
We got into the room and they went to put me on the bed. They put the head of the gurney down--ohh that made me sicker. So they put that back up and transferred me. Then the head of the bed wouldn't go up, so they had to transfer me to the other bed in the room. The plus to all of this was that they didn't put anyone in the room with me b/c they thought the bed was broke!! About 15-20 minutes later, they brought in a broth dinner. The smell of it made me sick! I tried to eat a little, but knew it wasn't going to work. I was out of it a lot that night. Definitely didn't like that feeling. I'm not sure, it might have been about 10 or 11 I started to feel a little more normal. They had me hooked up to a "gatorade" drip, so I wasn't hungry. John stayed with me all night. The nurses made up the other bed for him and practically insisted that he sleep in it. I don't think he laid in it til around 1 though.
I remember the dr telling me he was an early riser--and he wasn't kidding! He was in at 4:30 am to check on me!! He removed the bandages, so I saw the absence of my breasts for the first time. It really didn't bother me. He told me 2 nodes were taken on the right and 1 on the left. All negative. Said that taking just those nodes will not mess up my arms like taking a whole section of them can. There will be no difference. Said if I felt like going home I could as soon as I ate. I was starting to get a little hungry. Breakfast wasn't until 7, and I must have been at the end of the list--it was 7:45 by the time I got mine. Jello has never tasted so good!! We had to wait around til lunch to see if I could handle real food before I could go home. That was a very grisly tough roast beef. So I ate the other stuff!! The nurse came in and showed us how to clean the drains, wash the incision, and give us all the final instructions. And off we went. I was home by 3!! Much nicer to sit in our recliner, watching our big tv!!
Surprisingly I slept pretty good in the recliner. John slept on the couch. He wanted to be out there with me in case I needed something. But, truth be told, I don't think he would have woke up if I did need something (which I didn't). He was out!! Poor guy was so tired. This was stressful on him too. And he only got about 3 hours sleep the night before.

Of course we watched the Bears game! Go Bears!!

Surgery tomorrow...

This won't be a long post. I am physically and emotionally drained. Not sure at times I can handle this (like I have a choice!), and totally sure I can at other times.

I have amazing friends and family! Their generosity is overwhelming at times!! And makes me tear up all over again!

No eating after midnight--surgery not til 1pm. I will be feeling sick from that, which won't help! I have to be there at 8:30, get the dye shot in me at 9, then surgery not til 1!!

Oh well, hopefully by this time Saturday I will be home.

Chanting to myself, "no nodes, no nodes, no nodes...." Think it will work???

Support Group

Went to a support group for Women's Cancer tonight. I wasn't really sure what to expect. You know me and how private/shy I can be. I had to miss my library board meeting. But considering surgery is Friday--I thought it would be smart to go. This was the first meeting they have had.

It took me about an hour to get there (should have been 30-40 min). Of course it snowed tonight--although not much. I got stuck behind a semi doing 40 in a 55 and braking at every curve! Once I got rid of him, I ended up behind a salt truck. When I did make it to the meeting place, there was only 3 cars in the parking lot. I really debated going in. I almost called John, but I know he would have said "you're already there-you might as well go in". So in I went. The youngest one there. I'm not sure why that bothered me. Ended up with one other lady close to my age.

It started off a little slow, with a speaker on exercise. I just wasn't too interested in her. Then once she left, I thought it would be really awkward, but it wasn't at all. The conversation just sort of opened up and flowed!! Everyone had their story. Although a lot of attention was focused on me, being the newbie and all. Most of the ladies are through their treatments. So they were giving me tips. Most of which I had picked up on the YSC boards, but it was nice to get from these ladies too. And it wasn't all about me. The other ladies and their feelings were discussed too. I kind of wish I could go every month. I would enjoy being friends with these ladies I think. I did get one of their phone numbers. She also had a bilateral mastectomy.

Can you believe that when I got home, John was waiting up?? Well, his version of it--he fell asleep on the couch instead of going to bed. He wanted to know how things went. I thought that was sooo sweet!

Now that I have finally had my dinner, I am off to bed!! I have a lot of running and little things to do over the next 3 days.

What a Weekend!!

Saturday wasn't too bad. Still tearing up everytime I think of surgery. Not sure why it is bothering me all of the sudden. Until about Wednesday, I was more freaked about the surgery itself, not what they would be doing. Now it is both! Can't keep my mind focused on the fact that I am getting the cancer cut out--that is the important thing. Maybe it is bothering me because I can't be in control. I guess that could be it.

We went up to see John's mom in the Hospital in Glenbrook. She had her other foot corrected. Unfortunatly they had an issue with getting it closed back up. Now she needs a skin graft which they won't be doing until Monday or Tuesday. She was supposed to come home Sunday!! She isn't thrilled with the extra stay time, and I can't say that I blame her. We again ran into traffic on the way up. Took us 45 minutes to drive maybe 15 miles. Not sure what the distance was for sure. There was an overturned semi. Damn gawkers!! Why do people have to be so nosey!! I wouldn't want to look! I don't want to see someone mangled.

Anyway, Ma seems to be doing fine. She says she is not in a lot of pain. We stayed for a couple of hours. Jenna seemed a little leary of all the equiptment. Haley just sat on the bad with Grandma.

On the way home, we stopped at Applebee's. John had gotten a gift certificate from work for there. The dinner was pretty good, and luckily we didn't have to wait too long. We hadn't eaten since our late breakfast, and it was taking a toll on the girls. Jenna was getting crabby, and Haley's belly was getting upset. So we ordered an appetizer, which we never do. It did work though!! I hadn't even thought of bringing some kind of snack for the girls! They are getting so big, I really didn't think of it. Why I thought they could go from 11 am to 6:30-7 pm without eating, I'm not sure!

Today we really didn't do anything. Watched the Bears game. This was another bad day for me. Just really having a hard time with things lately. Went to take a nice long, hot bath tonight. Thought I wanted to be by myself, but when John came in, I found I kind of needed him there. I was crying again he sat down and really talked me through it. He was awesome. I wasn't completely better, but could manage. I do think letting the tears out helped also. Although John did manage to get me to laugh a couple of times. Snickers, not a big gafaw, but it helped.

Tonight was supposed to be the meeting with the IL YSC gals. At a yummy sounding Italian restaurant in Chicago. All week they talked of a storm. All week it didn't change. So we cancelled. Then NO SNOW!!! I was looking forward to meeting the ladies. We are going to reschedule though. It will probably be sometime in February now. What a bummer though!!

This emotional roller coaster is insane!! Not liking it at all. Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

New Plastic Surgeon

John and I went to meet the new Plastic Surgeon tonight. John wasn't super impressed, but I liked her. I didn't get the "warm and fuzzy" feeling I got when I met Dr.B--but I really don't expect that--it's a bonus! John admitted that might be what he was looking for.

Walking into her office, I thought I was going for a massage!! Very feng shui and new age! Low lighting, comfy seats, candles, incense. Very nice! I noticed that she also seems to schedule appointments so that clients don't really bump into each other. Not a big deal to me--although I am sure there are those who appreciate it.

She had a lot of questions, which I expected. She also complimented me!! She asked how I knew so much! Said that a lot of people come in and she explains everything to them. She wasn't having to explain to me. I told her I have done a lot of research online, as well as reading and talking to ladies that have been through this.

During her exam, I had to strip down, not just top half, and wear PAPER panties!! I have never seen such a thing! And they are definitely not flattering! I did have a nice big spa quality robe--that wasn't paper!

She did say she thought we should wait until after chemo to even start reconstruction (WHAT!?!?!). So NOT what I wanted to hear. John said he agrees with her. I understand what she is saying on an intellectual level, but don't like it. We are probably talking at least 6 months out (although I'll know more after surgery next Friday). So no boobs for summer. Possibly expanders though--so at least there will be something there. This did upset me a bit though. It was all I could do not to tear up in her office. In my eyes this was another set back. Every time I think I have a handle on things, they get changed!

We go back to her on Feb. 2. She is going to check the incisions, and will have pics for us to view.

The ride home was a nightmare, well maybe not that bad. But it sucked!! I had a minor meltdown. It had been coming for awhile, the past few days I have been tearing up thinking about all this crap. Once we got in the car I lost it. John was trying to be supportive,actually he WAS being supportive, I just didn't want to hear it. Ended up getting mad at him, although I didn't tell him, cause I knew deep down he was trying to help. We had started talking about chemo. I mentioned that if the first one was 4 weeks out from surgery, that put it right before the girls' birthday and I didn't want that. I didn't want to be sick for that. He proceeded to tell me that I didn't know I would get sick. That I read all this stuff and convince myself that is what will be. Well, no, I prepare myself for the worst, and if it is better than that--GREAT! He told me that it is the same with pain, if you tell yourself it doesn't hurt-it doesn't. You forget about it. I'm thinking WHAT!! Who's talking here? This is the guy you lays around on the couch moaning when he is sick!!! Now in all fairness to him, he does not get sick that often. And I DO know that he was trying to be supportive for me. I just didn't want to hear it!! I wanted to whine and moan, and have my melt down, and be listened to!

Then to top off the ride home, traffic was insane!! John and I had met at The Burger King on Weber. Well coming back, they had the overpass closed with an accident! So with the detour, it took us an hour just to get from the drs office (10 miles away) to John's truck! Then we had to detour ourselves to get home and not get stuck in more traffic! So 2 hours after the appointment ended, I got to Michelle's house. With a migraine to boot!

Mom and Michelle had ordered pizza. I had let John know this, he chose to go home and take a shower instead of stopping to get something to eat. After the girls and I got back home at about 8--he told me he was hungry!!! I asked why he didn't eat, he asked what he would eat. I told him that is why I told him about the pizza!! I was completely drained by this point!! When he said he was hungry--I almost lost it!! I was soo pissed!! The man can not cook, but he could have run through McDonalds or something!!!

Long, Long night!!

Touchy Couple of Days...

I think my period may be coming on. I am hoping so anyway. I have been doing so great with everything lately, until the last couple of days. There are points during the day that I just feel really down, and like I could just curl up in a ball and cry!! Once John and the girls get home I am distracted enough to not think about things. Have taken my little sleep helper the last 2 nights--am thinking about tonight! I am running around trying to get a bunch of things done before surgery, so I am keeping busy. But that date is drawing near--maybe that is the problem? Who knows!!

I got the Christmas stuff down today. The house looks so naked!! I need to put the other stuff back up. I do believe that putting the stuff back in the attic will wait til this weekend!

I called one of my YSC buddies (more like sisters actually) today, Alex. She is such a sweetheart, and an extremely strong woman!! She had her bilateral mastectomy this past Friday. She is sore, and moving a little slower--but doing remarkably well for someone less than a week out of surgery. We talked for about a half hour. I could have talked longer, but I know she needs her rest. I have also been "chatting" with Christy, who had her bilateral on the 29th of Dec. She is also doing remarkably well. They both have been wonderful with answering my questions. They have put my mind at ease a little over this surgery. I am thinking that it may be easier to recover from this than the c-section when I had the girls, as the stomach muscles are not involved.

I'm hoping it doesn't snow--or at least not too much. I am supposed to be meeting the other IL ladies from the YSC list on Sunday in Chicago. This should be a blast!!! I hate driving in the snow though, so again-- no snow please!!!

I have a couple of phone calls I HAVE to return tomorrow. These are friends who have reached out, and I have not had a chance to call them back. I do need to do this.

I believe work is going to have to be put on hold for now. I don't have to give up any clients, or keep anyone waiting though, as a few of the wonderful ladies in my office have offered to help as I do what I need to do to get better. I do believe it is time to take them up on their generous offer. Surgery is 9 days away, but I have a great deal to get done between now and then. This would take a load off my mind. And I believe it is the best way to serve my clients. I have a hard time with people helping me. Everyone has been so generous with the offers, I need to step back and let them help. I am also finding out that people NEED to help. Helps them to help you (or me in this case).

Oh and that watching what I eat and exercising I mentioned before? Yeah that hasn't really been happening! I have been getting the exercise with all the stuff I have been doing around the house. But I have been eating so much I make myself sick--literally!! This has got to stop!!

Well since my dishes are still waiting for me, I guess I should get to them, so I can get some sleep!

Wore out!!!

I spent today rearranging both girls rooms. I did this mostly by myself. The reason I did it mostly by myself, even though John was home, is because it is easier than hearing him ask over and over why we were doing it. It is a guy thing I think!! If it isn't their idea, they don't understand why it needs to be done. Now, he did put the extra shelf in Jenna's closet, and ran Haley to a friend's house. He did help move Jenna's bed. So I am not saying he didn't help at all. But it was mostly on me. But it is DONE!! Yeah!! And I am SORE!! The rooms look nice, actually look bigger this way. And the girls are happy. I just have to finish hanging their stuff. Better to do with John not home, as he was complaining about Holes!! Not sure where they will hang some of the stuff considering their walls are covered with posters!

Someone on the YCS Board asked the question "Do you spoil your kids because of breast cancer?" Good question. I have been heavier on the hugs and kisses. and the I Love Yous. I did want to get the rooms moved around while I could. I also wanted to do it in case anything happens, it won't be something "mom said she would do but never got to". Not that I think I am going anywhere. I do believe I will beat this beast!!

Last night Jenna spent the night at a friends, so Haley and I rented "Devil wears Prada". I don't know if I would have rented it to watch myself (I rented "Wicker Man" for that and have yet to watch it.) but it was kind of good. Ann Hathaway has a very classic hollywood look to her. Then we watched the last half of "Are We There Yet?" on Dish. Seen it before--it's ok. Then, "Parent Trap" the one with Lindsay Lohan. Seen it too much!! But it is a cute movie. Haley fell asleep on the loveseat. I had thought of us sleeping out there anyway. I tried to wake her up to see if she wanted to go to bed, but could not get her up. So I slept on the couch. Uncomfortable!!! I kept waking up, couldn't get comfy, and everytime Haley made a noise/move, I woke up to see if she was waking up. She was out all night!! So needless to say that after that night, and the moving of furniture, I am wore out!! I hope I can move in the morning!!

Time for bed!! ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rambling..TMI for some!!

Read at your own risk!! This is a post I made tonight on the YSC boards, as they are the only ones that can truly understand what I am going through. It is just some crazy thoughts that have been floating through my brain since all of this came about. Thought maybe I should post it here to for those interested in the inner thoughts of a tired breast cancer patient!.........

These are just some things I have been thinking about since I entered this wonderful world of breast cancer. (I refuse to capitalize that, makes it seem more important and like it is in charge!)

At first dx, I was scared to death!! I thought this was my death sentence. I now realize it is not. I have done the Relay for Life walks for years--of course never thinking I would be wearing the purple shirt!! Why Me!!!??? That has definitely gone through my head. But so has Why not me!! What makes me so special that this shouldn't happen to me? Didn't tell anyone, other than my hubby, until we got the results from the biopsies. (the girls knew the day of the biopsies, kind of hard to come home with ice on both breasts, with no explanation!) Didn't want to worry anyone if I didn't have to. Didn't even tell hubby I had to go for the biopsy until the night before (he did know about the lump)--thought he would roll his eyes and think I was exaggerating. Don't know why he would do this--I barely go to the dr. He surprised me by insisting that he was going to go with. Me, still trying to be independent, said he didn't need to. I AM SO GLAD he did!! I would not have wanted to drive home after that.

I have never had a ton of self confidence. Not one to really LOOK at myself in the mirror more than I had to. Now I find myself looking at myself every chance I get. Mostly looking at my breasts that will no longer be there in a little over 2 weeks. I just feel this is something I have to do now. I do plan on taking pics of the "old boobs" before surgery. They have been part of me for around 30 years! I will no longer have the stretch marks from my pregnancy and from being huge from nursing twin girls. I have a mole that I am really hoping is up high enough it doesn't get taken in all of this, although it obviously will be moved. Silly things to think about?? Yes and No. I believe I need to think of all this as part of my grieving process, so I can let all of this go. I know I need to do this, am really not having a problem with that. Mostly thanks to Alex(a YSC sister), who was so happy in her post about having a surgery date--to get the cancer out of her. So that is how I am thinking of it now. I think I am more terrified now of the surgery itself, then what they will be doing. Now the thing that weirds me out is thinking that they are taking my breasts, which will then be on a table in some lab to be sliced and diced! I will end up with better boobs than I could have ever hoped for naturally. Of course that is if I don't need radiation to throw that off wack! They said it was a cyst at first----WRONG. Rebiopsied the left breast--probably nothing-rare to have it in both---WRONG. 3-4 drs have told me that they don't feel any node involvement, or see anything on any of the tests--PLEASE,PLEASE, let them be right this time!!

Recovery?? Not gonna like that!! (I know--who does!) Don't like people doing for me. I'm the only one that can do it right you know!! Don't like people fawning over me!! YUCK!!

As for my past relationship with my boobs, never really cared for them that much!! Started off too small, then when I had the girls, they got bigger,but sag. Honestly, I have never had that much sensation in my boobs. Always thought this was a little weird, but it is me! Curious to see how much different it is when reconstruction is done. I have very little sensation, definitely nothing to write home about!!

Ok, I guess I have rambled long enough. These are just some thoughts that have been rambling around this head when I let them. When I'm not pretending that this isn't happening! Which will probably be impossible to do after the 19th!! Unless I have some REALLY good drugs.

Thanks for listening!

New Years Resolutions

How many people make New Years Resolutions?? How many keep them?? I have never been one to even bother thinking about them, but maybe I should.

This year is going to SUCK! I know, terrible attitude for the first day of the year. However, it is realistic. I have a bilateral mastectomy scheduled for Jan. 19th. Hopefully within a few weeks of that, I can get expanders placed to begin the reconstruction process. (Normal boob jobs have breast tissue to hold the implants. I won't have any left. Therefor they place an expander under the chest muscle, which is slowly filled, stretching the muscle and skin.) These expanders are extremely uncomfortable I have heard. They get filled once a week until you reach the point that your implant will fit. (plus a little extra skin) During all of this I will also be going through chemo. How much or how often--I won't know until after surgery. I will lose my hair, feel like crap after each session, possibly be constipated. That is the short list. Then I will get the expander swapped out for the real thing. After that, nipple reconstruction--Yeah! The reconstruction of course all hinges on whether there is any lymph node involvement. If there is and I have to have radiation also, reconstruction will be delayed.

This is all necessary to kill this beast and prevent any recurrence. That I understand. If not for the girls--I would wish this year gone so that I could be past all of this. But I would not want to miss out on any of their growing up.

In light of all I will be going through this year, I do feel I need a few resolutions. And they are the normal ones that everyone says....I need to eat better and work out. I am going to have 18 year old boobs forever~ I need the body to go with it. ( or at least as close as possible!) When this is all said and done, and my boobs look great and my hair grows back, I want to look and feel good all around! I have approximately a year to get the rest of my body in shape. I realize it will be difficult, not just b/c of the will power involved (I DO love to eat and get bored with exercise), but the chemo effects and recovering from surgery also. But I need to do this. I was on track to get healthy before all of this came up. I was back on Weight Watchers and was losing weight before I got sidetracked (sideswiped is more like it). Time to get back on track--no excuses!!

I need to set an example for my girls, and I need to be here to be able to do that! So with this posted for all interested to see, I am hoping to be motivated to do this!!

Heres to 2007 and all that it may hold. And to a bright 2008!!!