New Years Eve

We decided to stay home tonight. Wanted to be with the girls, and NOT on the road with all of the idiots!!

Ordered a pizza...

Watching the Bears game...

Possibly a movie after that...

I think that is a good way to see this year out---nice and low key. Hopefully next year I will be through all of this garbage I have to go through, and then we can celebrate!!

I also have a cold, so wouldn't be much fun anyway--heck may not even make it to midnight!!

More Shopping????

The girls have gift cards from Christmas. Of course they want to spend them. This requires me going shopping. I am pretty darn tired of the whole shopping scene!!

So I took them to Hobby Lobby Thursday afternoon. Ms Jenna was of course complaining--"why do we have a gift card here?? There is nothing here for us!" Now this was after we had walked past maybe 1/10th of the store!! And guess who was done first!! Both the girls got quite a bit. All crafty stuff. Enough to keep them busy for awhile, that is for sure!!! The shopping part only lasted about and hour and a half--so not too bad! I was prepared for worse!!

Aunt Jenny had asked the girls to spend the night that night. Her and Aunt Mary took them to use a couple other of their gift cards. Haley did pretty good. Two pairs of jeans and a shirt at Kohl's, and a shirt at Target. Jenna on the other hand, couldn't find anything at Kohl's except one pair of jeans. At Target she got a CD. I guess I will have to take her to finish up later.

Yesterday, I had to return the shoes we got John for Christmas. There was another pair I was going to get him, but couldn't find them anywhere!! Oh well, if I have to I will order them online. I can't believe the people that where out yesterday! I would expect that for the day or two after Christmas, but I would have thought it would have died down by now. I wanted to find some sweaters and sweatshirts on sale for after my surgery, but they aren't marked down yet. I'm sure they will be by my surgery, that is when they will be getting the spring stuff out!!

I was hoping to take the girls to see "Night at the Museum" with Ben Stiller while they are on vacation. It is in IMAX, I thought this would be pretty cool. Their vacation time is quickly running out though! Maybe I can take them Tuesday.

Twas the week after Christmas...

Christmas was wonderful. Those of you that know me, know that I am a Christmas nut!! I do love this time of year. Of course I protect myself from some of the craziness of it. One way is by staying out of the stores after a certain point.

I think the girls ripped through their presents in record time this year!!! They seemed very happy with what they got. One thing was a desk for their rooms, which John put together yesterday. I am now in the process of cleaning out all the garbage out of their rooms. They want them rearranged, but I told them they had to be cleaned first. The amount of barely worn, or new clothes that I pulled out of their room bothers me!! I will be taking the clothes to my friend Aileen's shop Still Stylin'. Then at least I can earn some money back!

The girls and John got me a Sirius Radio (yeah!! 80's Hair Nation--here I come!)as well as a robe and slippers. The robe is super soft!! I have to say that the girls did really well at not giving anything away. Christmas Eve, my mom and dad also gave me a robe. A red one, I do like red. The girls didn't even flinch!! I am impressed! I for one don't think having 2 robes is a bad thing. So I am keeping both of them!

Christmas Eve was spent at my sister's. A nice quiet evening. Christmas Day was spent at John's parent's. I was so darn tired, but I still enjoyed it.

Tomorrow we are off to Hobby Lobby so the girls can spend their gift cards. I am trying to impress on them that they do not have to spend it all at once. Not sure if I got through or not. I guess I'll find out! I will also be showing some houses to my Sister-in-law and Brother-in-law. I need to get my head back into my business, I kind of lost it a little with the recent diagnoses. I have a couple of friends at the office that can fill in for me when needed. This is a huge help! Helps me know that my clients are taken care of--one less thing to worry about!

Well I think I need to get the girls moving. They seem to think that Christmas vacation means stay up til midnight every night. They need to go to bed--cuz I need to go to bed! I said they could watch Criss Angel, then off to bed!!

I need to catch up on my sleep!

Wow---times does fly!!

I knew I had been a little busy to get on here and post--but I didn't realize it had been that long!!

I did hear back from my surgeon. He was very understanding of my going to another PS, made sure I knew he would forward any test results, paperwork etc. that she might need. He did also offer to talk to the first PS--but I beleive he was very set in his ways. And honestly, I'm not sure I would want him working on me, even if he came back and said--sure I will do it the "normal" way!! My bilateral mastectomy date has been set. January 19th. That brings it back into focus and makes it more real. Was having a hard time for a few days after this was set. Very weepy. Posted about it on the YSC boards, and got a lot of support! I love those ladies. I truly think I would be a basket case with out them. Another lady, is having her surgery on the 5th, and seems ok with things. Just considers it to be getting the cancer out of there. I am finally getting to that point-she was my inspiration. Still is hard to fathom that I have to lose part of my body to beat this. But so be it!

Found out my insurance only pays for 2 consults--one of which was used up on the first PS. So I called Dr. S's office to see if they could give my number to one of their patients and have them give me a call. Talked to the office manager Jan. She said they normally only do this for established patients, but after I explained my situation, she was more than willing to help. That afternoon I recieved a call from DeAnn. She was so generous with her time, talking to me for over an hour!! She is a BC survivor. She was diagnosed approx 6 years ago, when her kids were 6 and 9. She really likes the dr and loves the work she does. I felt better about meeting with the dr after talking with her. And to prove how small of a world it is, she is the co-chair for the Relay for Life event that we do! The office manager--I asked her her opinion also--she said she has been working with Dr. S for 15 years--wouldn't have stayed that long if she didn't like the dr.

Keeping busy with the holidays I believe has helped to keep my mind off of things. Been going full tilt, and collapsing into bed at night. Today was supposed to be an easy day--as well as tomorrow--so that I could totally enjoy the holiday and not be wore out. Well, today was still a busy day. But I do plan on taking it easy tomorrow until it is time to go.

Thursday was our cookie day. Neither Ann or I really felt like making the cookies, but still wanted them to be there (where are those cookie elves when you need them??). We were very efficient at getting them done--yet again. We work like a well oiled machine at getting those cookies out. Although, we have been doing it since before the girls were born--so at least 10 years!

Well everything is wrapped and under the tree. All that I have left to do is make a couple of dishes for Monday and laundry. Debating on making the dishes tonight, so I can truly have an easy day tomorrow! I am running out of steam though.

I love the Holidays--even with all the hustle and bustle!!

And the search begins....

Well I am still waiting for some phone calls to be returned. One from Dr. B (my surgeon). Just looking for his input on all of this. And John wanted me to ask him if he knows another plastic surgeon (his nurse said no), if he can practice at any other hospitals (besides St. Mary's-no and that puts us in the same situation), and what other options we have. The only real option unfortunately is delayed reconstruction. I am waiting for a call back from the Breast Navigator (yes, that is her title, she is a nurse). I want to bounce some things off her and get her opinions. I am waiting for a call back from the American Cancer Society, I want to see if they could put me in touch with someone who has been through this that can give me a name for a plastic surgeon.

I did talk to insurance and get a few things worked out. Or got an answer to my questions anyway.

My oncologist Dr. G did call me back. He said the reconstruction can be done before chemo. There will be a good 4-6 week, possibly up to an 8 week gap between the mastectomy and chemo. He said the expander placement isn't that bad and I could probably even do it about a week before chemo started. Could also be done during chemo, but that is not the best situation. Not a bad one, just would be better if it could be done before or wait until after. I am thinking that if I can't have immediate reconstruction, than we will go for as close to as possible.

Got a couple of names from my gyn and from family. None of these people are on our insurance though. We can go to anybody, but of course if we use someone in network--we save more. This will not make my decision for me, but if I can find an in network dr. that will be even better. I did get some names from insurance, and I found some on line on the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. One that I found online and is part of our insurance is a woman, I kind of like this idea! Hopefully she is good. In talking with her receptionist, I felt comfortable. I had a lot of questions, and she took her time with me and answered what she could. Dr. S does place both expanders at the same time, it is an outpatient procedure. Fills are once a week til you get where you want to be. Swaps are also an outpatient procedure. I went ahead and set up and appt. with her. The soonest I could get in is Jan 12th. If something comes up earlier, she will call. I hope to get this rolling sooner (if I like her). If she is able to get me in sooner, I will jump at the chance. Hopefully John would be able to meet me there at least. If not, then I will have to go on my own.

The second one I called was on the site also, and on my insurance. But, I got an extremely long automated system, then a voice mail system. Which really puts me off, I didn't leave a message. I'm still debating if I will call them back.

I would like to call a couple of more, just to have a few to pick from and not be stuck with anyone.

We did have a nice weekend. Saturday we took the girls to the mall so they could shop for each other. We started with Jenna going with John and Haley with me. Well, the girls had spent the night before at a friend's house and they were tired. Jenna can get a bit crabby when she is tired, and when she is hungry also--watch out. Well she wouldn't really do anything, so John wanted us to switch. After that they found something for each other rather quickly. It might have been our fastest trip yet!! Afterwards we went to the Outback to eat.

Sunday we went to John's Mom and Dad's. It was a nice relaxing day. My Sister in Law Susie has an old laptop that she is not using. She brought this over for me to use while I am in the hospital. I had mentioned renting one for that, and Susie mentioned having this extra one. This is awesome!! Hopefully I can get the internet in the hospital!!

Tomorrow will probably be spent on the phone again. Maybe to a couple more plastic surgeons. I need to do a little running. Dr. G told me he got the go ahead to do the BRCA test (genetic test). So all I have to do is sign a consent form and they draw some blood. So I figure that I can do that and stop at Lowes to get the rebate for the delivery on our fridge.

What a week....

Wow this week has been quite a roller coaster of emotions. Some really great, I feel wonderful days, to what the f*%$ days!!

Wednesday evening Ann went with me to the "Look Good Feel Better" seminar. Ann was impressed with Riverside. The seminar was kind of fun. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and not sure why I was going since I am not much of a make up person. Got a box with a bunch of make up in it--they said it was valued at between $200-$350. Yikes!! There were some big names in it though, este lauder, aveda, chanel. We also got a gift bag from the oncologist's office. It was mostly samples they get from the drug reps. There was a hand made prayer shawl in there. That was pretty nice.

Before we left for that though, I had a message from Dr. Brockman's office (the general surgeon) to call and set an appt to go over MRI results. What??!!?? It is never good news when you are told to talk to the dr. about results. At least that is what was going through my head. I'm wondering when all the bad news is going to end. In other words I was freaking out!! Called the office back, asked to speak with the dr, didn't want to go crazy until the appt. When dr calls back a very looong, crazy half hour later, he says that the MRI results are pretty much didn't show anything. It didn't show anything on the left side--that we know is there. He is going to ask a radiologist he trusts to go over it and call me back. He calls back the next day with pretty much the same news. He asked those that read the biopsies if they would stake their home, reputation, and life on the results they got (three people went over the biopsies) they said yes. So we wasted that time to get the MRI basically for nothing!! Surgery next. I find out the plastic surgeon is still only planning on putting in one expander at a time. WHAT!!?? This defeats the purpose of immediate reconstruction. If I wait to do reconstruction til a later date, he STILL only does one at a time. He wants me to come in on Thursday to explain why. I don't want to hear it again. If I do go in, it will be to tell him I am going with someone else!! In talking with the ladies at the YSC, I find out what I kind of already knew--this is very unusual!! There is not one person on that list that had immediate reconstruction with expanders, that only got one, unless something came up in surgery that made placement of the other not possible. So I believe that I will be doing the mastectomy, as that has been put off long enough. And begin the reconstruction later. This whole thing sent my mood into a tail spin!! This cancer may get to have a big say so in my life--but it will not run everything!!

Soooo...Monday I will call the surgeon to get the mast. set up. Call the oncologist to see what he thinks of all of this. Call my nurse navigator to get her take on this. And begin looking for a new plastic surgeon. The current one doesn't do silicone either. And again, listening to the ladies on the list, they all love their silicone implants. Some changed from saline to silicone.

Not the way I would have imagined doing things, but I wouldn't have imagined getting breast cancer either. Something has to start going my way!!! Doesn't it? I don't usually stick up for things that I want, but this time I am! I want to be symmetrical. If that means no boobs (YIKES)first and then a matching set then so be it!!

So that has been my crazy week! Woke up this morning a little down, but not too bad now. Breast cancer really does suck!! It plays some major mind games with you!!

Off to take the girls shopping for each other.

Out of the mouths of babes...

Last night one of the girls got up after they were supposed to be sleeping. This isn't completely unusual, what kid won't try and stretch out bedtime! She was upset, and told me she only wanted two things for Christmas-for me to get better and for her to get a teddy bear she could give me to take to the hospital with me. I had told the girls last week that I knew what they could get me for Christmas, a stuffed animal to take to the hospital with me, that is where that came from. We had a discussion about all that was going on then. I told her not to waste her Christmas wishes on me, that I would be fine. The next year is basically going to suck, but I will be fine. John and I have tried to answer the girls questions about all of this as honestly as possible. I don't want them to hear something from someone else, and be upset that we lied to them. I think that would scare them more in the long run. I also let them know if I don't have the answer to something. I think they need to know that adults don't know everything. After we talked for awhile, she felt better and went back to bed~ only to come out one more time. She gave me one of her teddy bears that is holding a heart that says "I Love You". I told her I would just borrow it, but she said she wanted me to have it. This all broke my heart!!! My babies should not have to go through this. It is bad enough what I have to go through--they should be left out of it!! They are already concerned about getting BC--at the age of 9! I hope that by the time they are old enough that they may have to worry about this, there is either a cure or they can detect it so early that these barbaric methods they use now will be gone!!

Had my MRI Friday. Wouldn't you know, the girls have not had a snow day in years and had one Friday. No way was I going to postpone this, and have to wait another month! My neighbor was going to take the girls for me (God love her!), but then John called saying he was sent home from work b/c of the weather. So he drove me to my appt. and the girls rode along.

The MRI itself wasn't too bad. They had told me it would take 2 hours. I was back there less than an hour! I guess their part takes two hours. The one lady also told me that they could possibly have results back as early as Wednesday. I had to go in the machine on my back first-this took some preliminary shots, including the chest wall and lungs to see if there is anything there--I really hope not!! I am tired of getting bad news every time I take a test--or at least that is how it seems. I can see why people get claustrophobic in there--esp. when on your back. They did give me headphones to use to cover up some of the noise. Next I had to lay on my stomach with my boobs in these special plates (bowls). No headphones this time, just an earplug in my upturned ear. Doesn't seem like your as closed in when on your stomach. Did have to try and keep my breathing steady. The machine made various noises, and the faster it went--the faster it felt like my heart wanted to go!

Afterwards we decorated our perfect Christmas tree! Now to get the rest of the decorations up around the house!! Saturday we went out to eat (all of us) at the new Charley Horse. Don't like the atmosphere as much, but the food was still good. Gotta love that Bucket O' Balls!! Sunday we had the surprise party for John's Aunt Eleanor. It was nice to spend some time with the family members we don't see a whole lot.

Well I'm guessing that when the results from that MRI come in, we will be able to set the date for surgery. That is good and bad. Good to know when it will be instead of wondering, bad just b/c it has to be done. Terrifying actually!

Well off to bed for me. The plan for tomorrow is to get a lot of the remaining Christmas shopping done. Wanted to do it today, but some of the things I need don't come out until tomorrow.

Amazing....

The outpouring of love and support I have felt the last month or so is amazing!! I mean I have a great family (probably the best), and I have always known that they love me and are there for me. My friends have been letting me know that they are there also, and how much they care. It brings me to tears sometimes! This is a huge help in and of itself. I have read too often on the YSC boards of friends and family deserting someone during this time-can you believe it? To have such a support system as I do is a wonderful thing.

I have my MRI in the morning. I really do hope the roads are clear by then. It is sleeting out right now. The MRI is going to take about 2 hours I was told. Maybe I should stay up tonight so I am tired and sleep through it! I am going to bring my MP3 player, but I doubt they will let me use it. I believe I have to stay pretty still during this too. Hopefully this cold lets up so I am not sneezing or coughing!

Afterwards I am going to go Christmas shopping--weather providing. I would like to have things done by next weekend--or at least most of it. I managed to do that one year, and Christmas was so stress free and wonderful!!

I signed our team up for the Relay for Life in Frankfort again. It is getting to be time to think about that again. After all these years of being a team captain--it is personal this year! To visit out team page click here.

Cinemax has been showing Star Wars like crazy lately. I have to say it has been a great distraction. "The Empire Strikes Back" is on now. Maybe I will go veg for awhile on that.

What in the world!!!

I saw this link on the Young Survivors bulletin board and really am having a hard time believing that anyone is this selfish--see what you think!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41449

You may need to copy and paste as I don't remember offhand how to add a link--I really need to look that up as there are several I would like to add.

In other news...

The weekend went pretty well. The girls and John being home, plus holiday activities helped with that I believe. We got our Christmas tree Saturday--what a deal--and it is perfect!! The best tree we've ever had!! Will have to try and post pictures later. We obviously had a few get togethers with the Holidays. I wasn't in my most sociable mood--but did manage to enjoy myself. The girls stayed at Grandma W's on Saturday, so John and I got to go out for dinner and then to the bar for awhile--boy did I need that! Felt a little crappy in the middle of the night, but woke up okay.

I found out that it will take 1-2 weeks to get the results of the MRI I am scheduled for Friday--WHAT!! So surgery will be after the holidays. This actually takes a load off of my shoulders as I don't have to hurry up to get things done. Although I do still plan on being done early so that I can sit back and enjoy the holidays. Maybe we can still make it to Great Wolf Lodge this New Years.

I went to Goodwill today to buy button up shirts. Pretty much everything I own goes on over the head, something I won't be able to do after surgery for a little bit. Although it does sound like some of the women on the YSC list were up and about fairly quickly. I plan on using this month to work on my arms and shoulders. Thinking that if I make them stronger, it will be easier to bounce back. Time will tell.

John and I met with the PS (plastic surgeon) on Monday. We both liked and felt comfortable with him. Everyone we have dealt with through Riverside has been wonderful so far.

Tonight I have to go to a special board meeting. That doesn't bother me. What does is that the same people seem to never make it to these meetings! I mean if you take a position on the board, I think you should take it seriously!! I originally didn't know if I would be able to go, as I had an MRI to schedule and needed to keep things open for that. Luckily, my MRI is Friday, so I am able to make the meeting, otherwise poor Pat (the library director) was trying to find another day to get 4 board members there. I know i am ranting a bit--but this pisses me off!! I have missed one meeting--for vacation. I may have needed to miss this one-for medical reasons, and it would have been a problem b/c the people who always miss for whatever reason couldn't bother. OK--I don't really know the reason they couldn't make it this time. I did need to rant though!! Thanks for listening!!

I have a whopper of a cold that I hope will go away soon!! I have a lot to get done and don't want the down time!!

Happy Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving!! All that food! I am lucky in that I usually get two Thanksgivings. The first at my mom's and dad's the Sunday before. My mom works on Thanksgiving. The second at John's mom's and dad's. I need to make my broccoli casserole and cut up my roll ups so that we can get going. On the Young Survivors Bulletin board, someone started a thread on what we are thankful for. I thought I would copy my response here.

*let's see...I am thankful to my husband, who has been absolutely wonderful since this nightmare began a little over a month ago.
*For my daughter Haley, who always seems to write me a note or draw me a picture when I really need it! She melts my heart!
*For my daughter Jenna, who knows the power of laughter, and constantly cracks me up! She is my sunshine!!
*For my wonderful extended family, and my friends. I have so much love and support around me, it is overwhelming.
*For a job that allows for complete flexibility, and co-workers willing to step in and help if needed.
*For the wonderful Drs., Nurses, and staff that have had to put up with me lately (and will for a long time to come yet!!)
*For all the people who are keeping me in their thoughts, prayers, and lighting candles for me!
*I am also thankful for the ladies on that board--they have helped me so much with everything that is going on.
*And of course to be ALIVE!!

Enjoy your day, but don't forget to be thankful!!!!

Rotten Days....

Well, yesterday and today have not been the greatest of days. I am in a funk that I can't seem to shake. I am really hoping that it disappears tomorrow. I do know that this is something I will go through on off, but this time it is harder to shake.

The idea of a bilateral mastectomy, has me freaked out. Even with the immediate reconstruction. But at least it is winter time, so easier to cover up until I am comfortable. I am a very private person and don't like sharing my business with everyone (why do I have a blog then-right?), so the thought of losing my hair with chemo is freaking me out also. That is an outward sign that advertises to the world what is going on with me. John has been awesome in the support department. Trying to make me see the brighter side (and I am usually the optimist!).

It would be the same as if someone told me I can live--but to do so, we are going to take your breasts, we'll throw some new ones in though. This will still majorly play with your mind. The idea that something you have had for the past 25- 30 years (not sure when I sprouted!) and it was just a given that it was supposed to be with you forever, is going to be ripped away. Then we are going to pump drugs through you system to kill any rouge cells that may be out there-so you can live longer and never have to deal with this again. But...you could be miserable on and off for the next 6-8 months and you will go bald. Wow--too much to take in!!

I know in the scheme of things, a year of crap to live a full life, is a small price. However, being on this side of the year, it seems like forever!

I keep thinking of how I am supposed to go to Mexico this summer to celebrate my 40th birthday, well my boobs may look good in that swimsuit, but I will have to worry about getting a sunburn on my head!! I was supposed to look like "hot mamma!". You know, where no one could believe I'm 40! Well if I'm bald, I'm sure I will look at least that. John--again being sweet--said we would just go for my 41rst birthday. I have been looking forward to going for my 40th for so long, maybe we could go for both?!?!

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I plan on sleeping in, that will help some!

New to this...

I am totally new to blogging, and just a little sleepy right now. But I did set up this account, so I figured I should at least have one post on here!
I decided to start this blog to hopefully help others. I have recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer at the age of 39. I hope that talking about my situation will help others that are in the same boat, so to speak. I do plan to talk about other things also, like my wonderful family.
It is off to bed for now... I will fill you in on my situation real soon!