Rotten Days....

Well, yesterday and today have not been the greatest of days. I am in a funk that I can't seem to shake. I am really hoping that it disappears tomorrow. I do know that this is something I will go through on off, but this time it is harder to shake.

The idea of a bilateral mastectomy, has me freaked out. Even with the immediate reconstruction. But at least it is winter time, so easier to cover up until I am comfortable. I am a very private person and don't like sharing my business with everyone (why do I have a blog then-right?), so the thought of losing my hair with chemo is freaking me out also. That is an outward sign that advertises to the world what is going on with me. John has been awesome in the support department. Trying to make me see the brighter side (and I am usually the optimist!).

It would be the same as if someone told me I can live--but to do so, we are going to take your breasts, we'll throw some new ones in though. This will still majorly play with your mind. The idea that something you have had for the past 25- 30 years (not sure when I sprouted!) and it was just a given that it was supposed to be with you forever, is going to be ripped away. Then we are going to pump drugs through you system to kill any rouge cells that may be out there-so you can live longer and never have to deal with this again. But...you could be miserable on and off for the next 6-8 months and you will go bald. Wow--too much to take in!!

I know in the scheme of things, a year of crap to live a full life, is a small price. However, being on this side of the year, it seems like forever!

I keep thinking of how I am supposed to go to Mexico this summer to celebrate my 40th birthday, well my boobs may look good in that swimsuit, but I will have to worry about getting a sunburn on my head!! I was supposed to look like "hot mamma!". You know, where no one could believe I'm 40! Well if I'm bald, I'm sure I will look at least that. John--again being sweet--said we would just go for my 41rst birthday. I have been looking forward to going for my 40th for so long, maybe we could go for both?!?!

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I plan on sleeping in, that will help some!