I Know, I know...

I haven't been on here in awhile. I have kind of been in a really weird place emotionally, so I haven't felt like posting.

I promise to update soon.

Thanks for your patience.

T-I-Double G-ER

I will explain this in a minute....But first...

This coming Tuesday--April 15th will be my last Herceptin--Yeah!! Feel free to send congrats, leave comments here, or call--but wait til Wednesday as I will be too tired Tuesday and will probably be napping. I will be talking with the doc that morning and will know exactly where we go from here. I have an idea, but I am sure he will spell it out for me then. I am still going to insist that this damn port comes out. I am so over this thing, and it is bothering me more and more. This could be psychological, I know-but I want it gone. I also think I am going to insist on scans. The only thing we have done so far is a chest x-ray, which I believe we will be doing again soon. Other than that, he doesn't really do scans unless something shows up in the blood work. Cathy's drs found her mets later b/c they didn't scan. I don't want that happening to me. If this crap is coming back, I want to know and get on it as soon as possible. Yes, finishing treatment is a great thing, don't get me wrong, but there are some mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, you are done, did all you can do, and can get back to a "normal life". On the other hand, you did all you can do-now it is a game of did I beat it for good, or not? I really didn't think I would be one of the people that sat around worrying about it coming back. I still don't think it will be on my mind all the time, but with all that has been going on lately, I do worry about it coming back. I truly believe I have beat this. That I will be 70 plus and saying I am a 30 year (or more) survivor. Hopefully, they will have this crap licked by then, and I will have no one to say that to. There is still a small voice in the back of my head that says--What if?? Especially with the way things have been going on the list lately. So many recurrences. Three ladies have passed away. A few ladies that are near and dear to my heart are having a rough time. Jayme is in the hospital in pain. Possibly nerve pain--the worst to try and do anything with. Seems she may have fluid building up around her lungs, which is affecting her heart. She has a loving hubby and a young son. Danica is back in the hospital with her leukemia (which they are again saying is chemo induced)-she has three children. And Courtney. A fellow Chicago area lady that is really having a rough time of it. At 23, she has dealt with more than most people have in a lifetime. She is in a back brace, her mets involving her spine. She should be out partying, enjoying life, feeling invincible. Not feeling old beyond her years because of this damn disease.

Pictures. I need to take more pictures. Or, actually, I need to get more pictures taken of me. I went to Cathy's wake last week, there were tons of pictures of her. I am usually the one behind the camera, so not usually in the picture. Even if I die of old age at 100 plus (I want to be one of those centurions!!), I want there to be lots of pictures of me through all of my life. They even had the pic of Cathy in Chicago--looking up-copied and in the corner was her birthdate and the day she died. So much nicer- I think -than the prayer cards. That is what I want done, and what I want to be able to do for others too. So, if I am taking more pics--deal with it! I need a way to preserve memories!

Now again, with finishing treatment, I am happy. I have to say though that people tend to think that that is it. You're done now, it is over. Please, I beg of you, do not utter these words to me. This will never be done for me. I will forever live with a body different than the one I was born with b/c of this. I have been emotionally and mentally (some would say this is a good thing!) b/c of this. I will have more dr appt b/c of this. I am alive, and I will push the occasional fear to to back of my head, but it will never be truly "over". I know that may be hard for you to understand. May even sound pessimistic. But it really isn't. (Wasn't I just talking about living to 100 +??) Just honest.

Netflix is a wonderful thing. (How's that for changing the subject??) It was great during treatment, and wonderful for recovery from surgery. If you know someone that is dealing with either of those things and are wanting to do something for them, think about getting them a subscription for a month or two. And no, I do not work for them, or have stock in them. Anyway..I sat down to watch a movie yesterday and unfortunately it was scratched. Well since I had my laptop set up and was in the mood to watch something (I love watching movies on my laptop!) I browsed Netflix's online catalog. These are movies etc that you can watch immediately. I couldn't find a movie I really wanted to see, but they had Dexter on there. For those that don't know, this is a Showtime Original series-I always thought I would like it, but never got around to watching it. Well, last night I sat and watched four episodes. I am hooked. The first one moved a little slow, but left me hanging at the end-so I had to see the next one. Then I was hooked. I need to catch up with this show. It is dark and crazy. Right up my alley!! It is about a serial killer. But he only kills the bad guys. Give it a try!

On the same sort of note, the girls and I watched Alvin and the Chipmunks last weekend-very cute!! I knew I would like this one. We also watched Sweeney Todd. This was good--but you have to like musicals, as it is pretty much all singing. There was part that was unexpected--and I just started laughing--I couldn't stop. Jenna said "Mom, Haley has a look of disgust and you are laughing"--I couldn't help it.

Ok, On to Tigger. I don't know if you have heard of "The Last Lecture" or not. Randy Pausch is dying of pancreatic cancer. This is a lecture he gave at the school he teaches at. His attitude is amazing. I think everyone should at least watch the Diane Sawyer special that was on Wednesday. I have this saved on DVR--come on over if you would like to see it. You can also watch it online here. The full lecture is on YouTube. There is also a book--I plan on getting this. I have not had an opportunity to watch the full lecture yet, but I plan to very soon. There is also a link to this on the ABC News site. One of the questions he asks is, "are you a Tigger or an Eyeore?" Now while I love Eyeore--I mean he is soooo cute, I myself am a Tigger (who also happens to be one of my favorites). Hence the Tigger graphic and title to this post. I hope you either are, or will work on being a Tigger with me.