Rambling..TMI for some!!

Read at your own risk!! This is a post I made tonight on the YSC boards, as they are the only ones that can truly understand what I am going through. It is just some crazy thoughts that have been floating through my brain since all of this came about. Thought maybe I should post it here to for those interested in the inner thoughts of a tired breast cancer patient!.........

These are just some things I have been thinking about since I entered this wonderful world of breast cancer. (I refuse to capitalize that, makes it seem more important and like it is in charge!)

At first dx, I was scared to death!! I thought this was my death sentence. I now realize it is not. I have done the Relay for Life walks for years--of course never thinking I would be wearing the purple shirt!! Why Me!!!??? That has definitely gone through my head. But so has Why not me!! What makes me so special that this shouldn't happen to me? Didn't tell anyone, other than my hubby, until we got the results from the biopsies. (the girls knew the day of the biopsies, kind of hard to come home with ice on both breasts, with no explanation!) Didn't want to worry anyone if I didn't have to. Didn't even tell hubby I had to go for the biopsy until the night before (he did know about the lump)--thought he would roll his eyes and think I was exaggerating. Don't know why he would do this--I barely go to the dr. He surprised me by insisting that he was going to go with. Me, still trying to be independent, said he didn't need to. I AM SO GLAD he did!! I would not have wanted to drive home after that.

I have never had a ton of self confidence. Not one to really LOOK at myself in the mirror more than I had to. Now I find myself looking at myself every chance I get. Mostly looking at my breasts that will no longer be there in a little over 2 weeks. I just feel this is something I have to do now. I do plan on taking pics of the "old boobs" before surgery. They have been part of me for around 30 years! I will no longer have the stretch marks from my pregnancy and from being huge from nursing twin girls. I have a mole that I am really hoping is up high enough it doesn't get taken in all of this, although it obviously will be moved. Silly things to think about?? Yes and No. I believe I need to think of all this as part of my grieving process, so I can let all of this go. I know I need to do this, am really not having a problem with that. Mostly thanks to Alex(a YSC sister), who was so happy in her post about having a surgery date--to get the cancer out of her. So that is how I am thinking of it now. I think I am more terrified now of the surgery itself, then what they will be doing. Now the thing that weirds me out is thinking that they are taking my breasts, which will then be on a table in some lab to be sliced and diced! I will end up with better boobs than I could have ever hoped for naturally. Of course that is if I don't need radiation to throw that off wack! They said it was a cyst at first----WRONG. Rebiopsied the left breast--probably nothing-rare to have it in both---WRONG. 3-4 drs have told me that they don't feel any node involvement, or see anything on any of the tests--PLEASE,PLEASE, let them be right this time!!

Recovery?? Not gonna like that!! (I know--who does!) Don't like people doing for me. I'm the only one that can do it right you know!! Don't like people fawning over me!! YUCK!!

As for my past relationship with my boobs, never really cared for them that much!! Started off too small, then when I had the girls, they got bigger,but sag. Honestly, I have never had that much sensation in my boobs. Always thought this was a little weird, but it is me! Curious to see how much different it is when reconstruction is done. I have very little sensation, definitely nothing to write home about!!

Ok, I guess I have rambled long enough. These are just some thoughts that have been rambling around this head when I let them. When I'm not pretending that this isn't happening! Which will probably be impossible to do after the 19th!! Unless I have some REALLY good drugs.

Thanks for listening!