Ups and Downs....

Well, today started out with me giggling to myself, and ended with me frustrated.

This first part might be too much info for some, if so, skip to the next paragraph!! I had some running to do this morning. While I was getting dressed I realized I hadn't tried out the "softee" boobs I got while at the hospital. I can't use a prosthesis yet. Probably wouldn't ever bother if it wasn't for the fact that insurance pays for them. But I have to wait a few weeks until all the swelling goes down to get fitted. So....ANYWAY...I put the softee ones into the camisole they came with and I couldn't help giggling!! They are big!!! And to me they just look so silly! John said they didn't look bad. To me you can tell they are fake. They move around some. They are comfortable though. So I decided to wear them out on my errands. They are great cushioning against the seat belt. Everytime I looked down, or thought about it, I giggled to myself. Now I had on a big sweater and my coat--so I am sure nobody could tell. But I was amusing myself.

The morning and early afternoon were fine. Then I just got in this mode where everything was bothering me. And I didn't feel like talking to anyone about anything. Esp. not the "c" word (minds out of the gutter!) I feel sometimes like I should tape myself and just play the tape over and over. Haley gets this. I was talking to her about it on the way to gymnastics and told her there is more to me than the cancer. She says (in her almost 10 year old wisdom) "Yeah, you have kids, a family, a life". Gee... she gets it!! This blog is my place to get all that out. I don't want to repeat it all the time, or talk about only that. I'm tired of the sympathetic looks. I WILL BE FINE! Sometimes I wish people didn't know, so I can be treated like I was before all of this. I do appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I KNOW people are just concerned. That is what makes it hard for me to say, I don't want to talk about it today. I also don't want to talk about it in public. I am a very private person (again--why the online blog--huh??) and don't like everyone knowing my business. I don't need or want someone that I don't know, or barely know to hear how I feel after having my boobs hacked off! I don't think it is anyone's business when reconstruction will be done and what will be done. Other than my family and friends. I don't want people overhearing conversations that they may feel they are entitled to join. Does all that make any sense?? Off my soapbox now!

TMI Warning--skip to next paragraph---
Yesterday, I did too much. I forgot to ask Dr. B. if I can lift anything yet. I stopped at Jewel yesterday and was lifting the bags and such. I was SORE last night! My appt. Wednesday, Dr. B. took out the rest of the staples. He also wrote me a prescription for fake boobs!! Can you believe it?? A prescription for boobs. And Bras. Who would have thought!!!

We also set up the appt to get my port (for chemo) put in. That will happen on the 20th. It is out patient, should take around 4 hours total. He said they make you take a "nap". So anesthesia is involved, but it isn't supposed to be as bad. They don't put the tube down your throat and such. I am wondering if part of my problem wasn't that I was fighting to wake up so bad. Maybe if I would have let my body do it's thing, it would have been better.

Well, I need to get the girls to bed so I can go to sleep. I made the mistake of staying up last night to watch "your the one that I want" on Bravo. I had no interest in the show to begin with, but got sucked in. Now I may have to watch the new ones on NBC to find out who wins. And tomorrow I find out what the big surprise is! YEAH!!! So I need to get some sleep!