When Do I Get....

Myself back?? I am so fed up with not being me! Just to warn you--this may be too much for some of you.... First the boobs are gone. Then I just don't feel like myself. Even when I am having a good day. Yucky taste in the mouth. Heartburn when I haven't really eaten anything. Running errands while completely spaced out. Not even sure I should be driving. Icky feeling belly. Nothing tastes right. Headaches. And now the hair. My long thick hair has always been such a big part of me. I know it doesn't make me who I am, but I like it. And I don't like having attention drawn to myself. Which is bound to happen even if I am wearing a wig. At least the first time people see me.

This is very hard on me. I lost it last night. Big time! I tried to wait until the girls went to bed, but I didn't make it. I felt bad for them that they had to see the mother bawling over losing her hair. Cindy is coming by this afternoon around 4 to shave it. It just feels wrong when I touch my head. There is supposed to be thick hair there--and there is barely anything. I told John that it is a good thing they can't cut out what is between my legs, or there would be nothing feminine left to me. Now, I know this isn't the honest truth, but it is how I am feeling at the moment.

I promised John I wouldn't cry all day. And I am trying not to. (he is at work). I can't even pinpoint exactly what I am thinking to explain it to you. I KNOW I will get past this, it isn't the worst thing to happen. But yet I am deeply upset (possibly depressed). John did make a good point, it can only go up from here.

The first few times out in public without my hair (even with a wig) is going to be the toughest, I know that. I hope I can shake this mood to make it a little bit easier on myself.

The good thing about the shave is that I won't keep finding hair everywhere. No more brushing it off the pillows. No more finding it on the floor. No more having to brush it off my shoulders. No more going to put a shirt back on and having hair all over the inside and outside of it. I will be vacuuming and washing clothes to get rid of all of this. And hopefully I will then be able to move past it all. I am trying to think of it as some of the other ladies do. " If the chemo can't get the hair off my head, how is it going to get rid of the cancer". But it still just feels wrong.

I know this post is a bit rambling. Trying to put my thoughts on here right now is pretty hard. I don't want pity, or sympathy. I just want you to understand. Not just for me, but for others you may know, or notice going through this.