Monday, January 28, 2008

HaHa!!!

These were part of a discussion on stay at home moms on the bulletin boards tonight. The first I had seen before, the second one of the ladies made up......

Housekeeping Monthly 13 May 1955

The good wife's guide·

*Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
*Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
*Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
* Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
* Be happy to see him.
* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
* Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
* Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
* Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
* Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
* A good wife always knows her place.

Ok, now for the new version!!

Young Women on Chemo Guide, 28 January, 2008

The good wife's guide

* Have dinner ready. Order Pizza from local pizza place and have them deliver. I've had a rough day of puking and crapping myself and I can't be bothered to feed anyone right now when I can't even stand the smell of food. If they don't like it there's always peanut butter and jelly!
* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to clean the puke off the bathroom floor, wash the underwear you pee'd in from puking so hard. All three pairs. Brush what's left of your hair. Put some powder and lipstick on to try and put some color to your face, instead of the pasty white shell it has become.
* Try to refrain from telling him you felt like death today, that you tried to put on make up and ended up poking yourself in the eye with the mascara brush cause your eyes are so puffy and sensitive, or that yet more hair fell out in the shower. We don't want to bother him with our sob stories.
* Clear away the clutter. Put all of your pill bottles back into the bathroom cabinet. Rinse out your puke bowl. Clean up all the saltine crackers that have crumbled in the bed or on the couch, that you ate trying to calm your stomach which was about to hurl for the umpteenth time.
* Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables. Tell the kids to wait at least an hour before they ask dad to help them with their math homework, as you couldn't because the chemo brain's left you to where you can't even focus through 5th grade math any longer.
* Over the cooler months of the year crank up the heater until everyone else has sweat pouring off of them. With no little to no hair, much of your body heat is escaping rapidly and you spend many days chilled to the bone. If he doesn't like it tell him where he can shove the nearest umbrella.
* Prepare the children. Tell the kids to go wash their hands and faces. Tell them to pick up their crap for the 5th time, to get off the computer or video game and to actually do some work around the house. Yell at them that they don't know what hard is and that they have it easy.
* Flip him off if he says one snide remark to you.
* Flip him off again and mumble curse words if he says sorry, but he's just had a bad day.
* Listen to him. If he's speaking softly it may be just the boring dull conversation you need to hear "blah blah blah" about his long day, stupid job, dumb people at work that just might lull you into a long needed nap.
* Make the evening his. That's right. Anything left that you didn't get to ie. dishes, cleaning, kids, litterbox, trash, etc...he can deal with it...I'm going to bed.
* Your goal: Try to make it through the next day without puking, crapping or peeing yourself, and ringing his neck.
* Don't greet him with complaints and problems. He'll see it all on his own soon enough.
* Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Just throw his crap out on the lawn. I'm sure he will try to tell you he's had a bad day. Throw a sheet and pillow out there for him too then, poor freaking baby.
* Make him comfortable. Let him have the bed if he's good. There's no getting comfortable laying down anyway after chemo so you'll be on the couch, dozing in and out of consciousness, between the puking and putting suppositories up your butt for the nauseousness, yet once again while he slumbers away without a care in the world in his big comfy bed. Idiot.
* Arrange his pillow that you drooled on when you were able to drift off for 15 minutes during the afternoon on the bed by turning it over. He'll never know.
* Don't ask him questions about anything. Not unless you want a long explanation of something that you won't even remember you asked and have to hear him ramble on and on about it.
* A good wife always knows when to tell her imbecile husband to sthu.


Translation of sthu=shut the hell up.
Too funny.

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