Sick of it...

I am in a bit of a funk. It has been around for awhile. I keep trying to fight it, but apparently it isn't going away. Maybe since the girls are back at school and John at work, I should let these feelings take over for a bit (and just a bit) and deal with them. I don't want to. I don't want to think about all that has happened in the last year. I don't want to think about what my body and mind have been put through in the last year. Dealing with the diagnosis, surgeries, set backs (ie not being able to do immediate reconstruction), chemo, hair loss, stomach issues, not feeling like myself, numbness, dealing with the new me, trouble sleeping, fatigue, chemopause, doctor appointments, memory not working like it should, the list goes on. I refuse to let this damn cancer rule the rest of my life. I refuse to wait around thinking it will come back. I chose to believe it will not come back. If it does, I will deal with that then. This has been fairly easy to do most of the time. But lately I have been hearing of more and more ladies with recurrence. Seems to be quite few lately. I know there are treatments and people live a long time with mets. I can't imagine having to go through chemo again (or 3rd or 4th time). Losing hair again. Having that pit in the bottom of my stomach again. All those doctor appointments. Again, I chose to believe that I won't have to deal with this anymore. I am still dealing with the aftereffects of this time. I find myself thinking of this crap at the weirdest times. I was feeding the cats, and thinking about having lost my breasts. Tell me that makes sense. I am pissed that this had to happen. I'm not saying it shouldn't have happened to me, I'm not any better than anyone else. But why does it happen to anyone? I'm not expecting an answer to that question by the way. Monday I have to go have a procedure to get my nipples. Freaking out about this too. I have to lay there awake while the skin on my chest gets cut (again) and twisted into my new nipple. Who would have ever thought that I would be worried about getting new nipples? That is just not a normal thing to worry about. My first tattoo is going to be when I get my aureoles tattooed on. Unless I run out and get one before that gets done. This all just too weird, and so wrong.

I apologize for this rant. I don't blame you if you skipped this post. Not sure if it even made sense. This post is for me and anyone else going through this crap that may happen onto this blog, so they know they are not alone.