Bad Attitude...

That seems to be me lately. Nothing I can put my finger on. I am angry, sad, upset, all in one. I can be totally fine one minute and the smallest thing can set me off. Today is better so far--hopefully it will stay that way. I think all of this cancer crap is finally "hitting" me. I have heard from other ladies about a tough time after treatment or when it slows down. I thought I would be lucky and not have that, esp since I have been able to shake most of this off. But I think that may actually be a big part of my problem right now. Maybe all of my problem. I think about all that I have been through, physically, mentally, emotionally, and it just really gets to me. I hope I get past this soon. I usually can shake things off by now. I guess this may be a kind of grieving process I may be going through. If that is the case, I guess it is best to let it run it's course. Otherwise, it will come back to bite me again. It doesn't help that I have been hearing so much lately about ladies with mets. There are a few on the YSC boards that have found out the cancer has come back, or are going through a scare about that right now. I try not to think about this. I try to keep the mind set that I have this beat and it will not be back. But when hearing these stories it is hard to keep that frame of mind. I am coming out on the other side of this, but yet far from done. Hot Flashes due to chemo pause are still an issue, as well as other menopause issues. Who knows if my period will come back or if it is gone for good. Mixed feelings on this. I don't miss it, but feel I am too young for this, and the symptoms suck. But if my period comes back, I will have to go through this all again--I think anyway. My balance is off. Walking down the bleachers at the girls' games, something that should not be a problem, I feel like I may fall. Even stepping down from a step that is a little high. Chemo brain, drs are finally studying this. I can be thinking or talking about something and totally lose my train of thought. Think--knowing someones name, knowing you know the word you want to use, but it won't come out. I know we all go through this, but it happens sveral times a day to me. Think--going to a room to do something and forgetting what that was by the time you get there. Again, everyone does this, but I do it all the time. TMI for some---bowel movements are still not back to normal either. I was a once a day, maybe miss a day type of gal. Now,3 times a day on average.

My girlfriend said the other day that she notices herself being more outspoken since turning 40. This could be part of my problem too. I no longer feel the need to keep my mouth shut to keep others happy. I no longer feel I should let people walk on me to keep the peace. Is this b/c I turned 40?? Or b/c of the cancer, and facing my mortality, realizing that life is too short for this shit??

Ok, enough rambling.

Haley got up this morning and acted as my personal trainer. She does all that conditioning in gymnastics and I need to do something. We did not do the hour that she does sometimes. There wasn't enough time, and obviously I wouldn't be able to do that. It was a good start though. I have about a month until my surgery. I would like to be on the road to losing weight by then. Ten pounds by then would be a good start. I want some strength by then to make recovery easier (not that I had it too bad last time,and this time the girls will be in school and John at work during the week, so I will have the daytime to relax.). I won't be able to use my upper body for much for six weeks. But anyway, I need to lose the weight--but I also want these new boobs to appear bigger. I am "filled" to the max-720 cc's. When I get the implants they will be 800cc's. They are also high profile(stick out more), the expanders are under my arms also (think walking like a linebacker!)and that will all be out front. She is also going to make a "pocket" to put the implant in that will help me look fuller and the cleavage look nice. But....she said to expect a C cup. I guess that is ok, I was hoping more for a large C maybe even a small D. I might as well get something out of this crap! The implants are only made so big though. Another stumbling point in this long road! So, if I lose weight, the boobs start to appear bigger-I can't lose the weight there!

Well, I am off. I have some things to get done this morning so I can hopefully enjoy the pool this afternoon. I am hoping that the water isn't too cold!! Don't forget to check out my next post on finding your pirate name!!

This week is Hithcock week on AMC!!!! They also have a show on Thursday nights called Mad Men. It is kind of quirky--but worth another look. I have only seen it once. I may have to watch some of them On Demand to see if I really like it, or if it is just something to watch when nothing else is on.