Saturday...

This past Saturday was the one year mark from my mastectomy. What a completely sucky day that was. I remember it like it was yesterday. I don't wish that on anyone. I have had a bit of a time not focusing on that. Kind of hard when I am still healing from a procedure to get my breasts back!

Kind of wondering why I got the nips done. I have to wear a bra now as it looks like I am cold all of the time! LOL. I am told they will shrink up considerably. This from other women that have had it done. I forgot to ask the dr how much they will shrink. They are not perfect-one seems skinnier than the other. Again-may not be a big deal when they shrink up. John thinks they are too high, I keep trying to explain that that is where perky nips are supposed to be. Curious to see how all of this turns out. I did ask her about possibly pulling them in closer (the foobs--not the nips). She said that can be done. She said to think about it as they look natural now. I explained that I don't really care if they look fake. Kind of wanted them to. I will think about it though--I mean-do I want another surgery? I figure I will go through the summer and see how I feel about them, then decide. I want them to look good in a tank top-without a bra. She did tell me I heal fast and that I make her job too easy. Hey, anything I can do to help! I was having a reaction to some of the tape she used. It was clear-a big patch, I was getting blisters and it was itching. I called her Wednesday about it (day before my appt) and she told me to take it off. Some skin came with it. She said the next day it looked like a type of burn, not an allergic reaction. She put the tape on while I was lying down, being up-the weight of the foobs was pulling on it, causing the burn.

Friday I met Trish for lunch. She has the same onc as me. We have emailed back and forth for awhile and finally managed to meet on Friday. I think we could have talked all day if we both didn't have other obligations. She is a lot like me, on several issues. She is funny and an extremely strong lady.

I have some online friends that need your thoughts and prayers right now. Danica really has no family supporting her. She has just found out that she has chemo induced leukemia. Doesn't that just beat all. She beats this f'ing disease-but the chemo she used to do so has caused her to have leukemia. She is understandably having a tough time with this. But she is a fighter and has 3 kids I know she will fight to stay around for. My friend Jen (one of our Chicago ladies, and a fellow Bon Jovi fan) found out in December that she has mets to the liver,lung, spleen and ovary. She is past the initial shock and is in fight mode now. And Courtney (another Chicago gal) is a mere 22. Originally dx'd at the age of 20, she has mets to her bones and they are checking her spinal fluid for possible cancer, as well she may have brain mets. This just completely sucks beyond words. In the picture from our lunch in Greek Town, Jen and Courtney are in the back row, both with blue on. Jen on the right side, Courtney the second in on the left.

All Done

With that step anyway. Of course it wasn't as bad as I had set in my mind.
She did give me a Valium and I listened to my mp3 player. I think we got home around 2:30. I am feeling kind of crappy all the sudden, so after my tea, I am off to bed.

Goodnight!

Today..

is the day. I feel like the kids when they get ready for school--"I don't want to go". I didn't sleep as good as I had hoped. The sleeping pill didn't knock me out. Oh well, maybe I can fall asleep on the table.

Tomorrow..

I should be looking forward to this, but I am soo not. I don't want to go. I have to have my body mutilated yet again-to get it back to "normal". Again, there is just something wrong with this.

I drank some chamomile tea, took a hot bath, and once I get done with this, I am going to take a sleeping pill, then read til it knocks me out. I thought about staying up all night so I would fall asleep tomorrow, but I am afraid that if I am tired it will make the freak out factor worse. Actually, I know it will. So I will get a good night sleep and go from there.

We had our Elvis's b-day party at Hon's last night. It was fun. Lots of food that isn't good for you, but I guess if you do that once in awhile it isn't so bad.

Off to sleepy land I go (I hope!).

Monday..Monday..

Well Monday is the day. I will again have nipples. Granted flesh colored ones, for now. Gross looking ones until they heal, I have already been warned about that. Again, insane that I should even have to worry about this, but there it is. I have to be there at 10 am, procedure at 11. This is just a local, so no fasting or anything. It is scheduled to take about an hour and a half. I was actually told I could drive myself. John is going to go with though. I did ask if I can take my Ativan that morning so I wouldn't be freaking out. The doctor said no, that she would make sure I felt comfortable. Easy for her to say. I am honestly not sure how I am going to be able to lay there for an hour and a half, knowing what they are doing to me. There will be a sheet so I can't see, but I will be able to feel some tugging etc. I know when I had the girls I felt the tugging and pulling. I am sure this will be the same-except that didn't take as long. The surgery center did say that I could bring my MP3 player, that may help keep my mind off of things, maybe. I plan on bringing that Ativan with me, just in case. If she doesn't give me some happy juice and I'm starting to freak out-I will just take some.

Sick of it...

I am in a bit of a funk. It has been around for awhile. I keep trying to fight it, but apparently it isn't going away. Maybe since the girls are back at school and John at work, I should let these feelings take over for a bit (and just a bit) and deal with them. I don't want to. I don't want to think about all that has happened in the last year. I don't want to think about what my body and mind have been put through in the last year. Dealing with the diagnosis, surgeries, set backs (ie not being able to do immediate reconstruction), chemo, hair loss, stomach issues, not feeling like myself, numbness, dealing with the new me, trouble sleeping, fatigue, chemopause, doctor appointments, memory not working like it should, the list goes on. I refuse to let this damn cancer rule the rest of my life. I refuse to wait around thinking it will come back. I chose to believe it will not come back. If it does, I will deal with that then. This has been fairly easy to do most of the time. But lately I have been hearing of more and more ladies with recurrence. Seems to be quite few lately. I know there are treatments and people live a long time with mets. I can't imagine having to go through chemo again (or 3rd or 4th time). Losing hair again. Having that pit in the bottom of my stomach again. All those doctor appointments. Again, I chose to believe that I won't have to deal with this anymore. I am still dealing with the aftereffects of this time. I find myself thinking of this crap at the weirdest times. I was feeding the cats, and thinking about having lost my breasts. Tell me that makes sense. I am pissed that this had to happen. I'm not saying it shouldn't have happened to me, I'm not any better than anyone else. But why does it happen to anyone? I'm not expecting an answer to that question by the way. Monday I have to go have a procedure to get my nipples. Freaking out about this too. I have to lay there awake while the skin on my chest gets cut (again) and twisted into my new nipple. Who would have ever thought that I would be worried about getting new nipples? That is just not a normal thing to worry about. My first tattoo is going to be when I get my aureoles tattooed on. Unless I run out and get one before that gets done. This all just too weird, and so wrong.

I apologize for this rant. I don't blame you if you skipped this post. Not sure if it even made sense. This post is for me and anyone else going through this crap that may happen onto this blog, so they know they are not alone.

Here's to the end of 2007

Can't say that I am that sad to see it go. It wasn't all bad, not by a long shot, but way too much I would rather forget. This year I work on getting me back. Or the new version of me at least. I have two resolutions this year;

1--be healthier. This embodies so much. Eating better, exercising, taking care of me, etc., but I have rolled it all into one.

2--Stay in touch (and reestablish contact) with everyone better. I am going to try to answer those emails quicker (you know how it goes-you save it to answer later and it gets lost in the shuffle, never answered), call friends I haven't talked to in awhile. Spend time with friends.

New Year's Eve, the girls slept over at a friends house, which left John and I free. We went to Merichka's with his family (YUM!!), then over to (SIL) Ann's. We weren't planning on staying until midnight b/c we didn't want to be on the road with the idiots. We ended up not leaving her house until 11:50 (why we didn't just stay the other 10 minutes--I don't know). It took us an hour to get home. It was snowing and blowing. We didn't see another car until we were almost home, and didn't see any police cars. I am thinking someone would have to have been blatantly drunk before they would get pulled over anyway. I mean who would want to be out in that even to write a ticket!

Sunday (the 30th) I went up to Greek Town to meet with some of the ladies from the YSC Bulletin Board. We had a real nice time. We need to do that more often. Once a month would be good. There were 8 of us there. This isn't the best pic--we had three people taking pictures for us-that is why we are all looking all over.

Today was a Herceptin day. In talking with some of the other gals, I'm not totally sure anymore that it is the Benadryl making me tired. I don't think it helps, but some get tired from the Herceptin and don't take the benadryl beforehand. On days I have treatments, I don't really plan anything. That way I can relax, nap if need be. Well of course today the girls were still on Christmas vacation. So when I gave myself that hour to fall asleep, they had to wake me up. And the real kicker is, they didn't seem to notice I was around until I dozed off. Haley had to ask where a certain nail polish was, then a few minutes later show me her nails. Jenna woke me up to tell me something, then wouldn't tell me. And this is with John on the computer in the same room. That was all in a half hour, so I gave up. They did let me take a bath in peace when I first got home. That was nice.

Here's to a great 2008!